Fuck!
I gained three pounds.
Fuck.
I'm really really angry and frustrated, especially when I lost two pounds yesterday. I'm trying to rationalize it in my head, and my brain keeps saying its okay because blah blah blah. But all I can think about is that I gained back three pounds, and what the fuck, and OMG and such.
I don't want to have a breakdown. I don't want to have a breakdown. I don't want to have a breakdown. No no no no no no no.
Uggg. I know in the long run, this will just be a little bump in the road, and I'll look back on this entry and smile and say how silly I acted today and how it didn't make a difference because week two sucks. I just feel so unaccomplished. I really truly do right about now. I want to cry, but I'm not going to give my addiction that power.
I'm having a battle of wills right now. One is the addiction screaming and saying: "What's the point, it's not worth it! You can't do this! You knew you were going to fail! You fucking failure!" And then the other half is saying in a more gentle, kind way, "this is just a little bump, don't worry. Keep going on the right track, and you'll be fine."
This addiction... It's so overwhelming sometimes. It's like I'm constantly battling a little two year old devil monster inside of me, throwing a tantrum every time I don't give into its demands and cravings. It's exhausting sometimes.
*Breath in, breath out. Repeat.*
This is not a good day. I'm really battling on whether I should even go work out. I know I need to, and I'll regret it if I don't. I also really need to go to the grocery store, because I have almost no food in the fridge.
*EDIT*
After my scare today, I immediately went out and joined a gym. While I'm not thrilled about the price, it offers a medley of things to whip a girl in shape. Plus, I got a months free, and I'm also join by the month so if it ends up not working out, I can cancel.
I also got a bunch of good things from the store to jam pack my fridge. Yaaayness! It's getting to be a better day. Its still not a great day, but better. Just taking it one day at a time.
_fin.
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