FYI- this is not going to be a happy entry. One of those self-realization things.
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I'm fucked up in the head, y'all. I think I really need therapy. I'll start off by saying I am NOT suicidal.
I am learning things about myself more and more everyday. I have noticed that I have problems not so much admitting that I am wrong, but BELIEVING that I am wrong. I will admit I am wrong in an argument because the anxiety I experience during a fight put extreme circumstances in my head (i.e. death, moving away, my kids are better off without me, etc.)
On a day to day basis, I don't think that my belief system, actions, or way of thinking is extreme or immoral. I can differentiate right from wrong, I don't like to yell or scream, my actions reflect this. But, I have noticed that I have certain "triggers".
First off, I am a skin picker. It started with my cuticles when I was 17. I would get a safety pin and tweezers and pick and peel off my cuticles until I bled. Nothing would deter me from it until all ten fingers were bleeding. It got so bad that I couldn't put my hands in water because the wounds burned so badly. I decided I had to stop. So, I started picking the skin off of my lips around 21. I can't stop doing it, and they will bleed at times. I have a little more control over it now where I am ure not to make myself bleed anymore, but my hand will just automatically be at my mouth without realizing. Daniel is concerned because it hurts me, but I have no control. Upon consulting Dr. Google today (lol!), I realized I am not the only one that does it, it is a form of OCD and it is called dermatillomania.
I also find that I am easily triggered to get anxiety (which I respond to in anger to the perpetrator) by noises. Things like slamming cabinets, repeated noises, and about 90% of the things listed here: misophoniasupport.tumblr.com/triggers, which is called misophonia. Unfortunately, Daniel is a huge perpatrator of a lot of these noises. He likes to make random weird noises, he unintentionally slams cabinets, repetitive noises, baby talk, etc. It makes me crazy. When these things happen, my head physically hurts, I clench my teeth, my chest tightens, and I get nervous. And I yell at him for it. In my defense, I ask him to please stop and he tells me that this is his house too and he shouldn't have to be told what to do. In his defense, he doesn't understand how it effects me because I am having issues identifying it and vocalizing how I feel. I also thought this was something (along with the lip picking) that I could just STOP and control, and now I know that I can't.
When I feel wronged and get angry, I dwell. Let's use Afton as an example because I just recently wrote about her, so she's fresh in your minds. Afton wronged me bad. She kicked my son and I on our asses because I wouldn't let her drive my car. She would get angry with me for one thing, and angry with me the next day for the opposite thing. Saying the word "Afton" in my house triggers anxious feelings and angry thoughts. I haven't seen this woman in over a year. I should be over it by now, right? No. When Daniel and I talk about Afton, I go off. I call her names, yell, get angry, and I do it really really fast so Daniel can't interrupt me or my train of thought. I feel as if I need to vocalize my anger to control it, but I'm not controlling it. Then, I dwell on it for days. This pregnancy thing with her has not left my mind for four days. FOUR days.
Another example: My neighbor, Royce and I are fueding over parking spots. Our landlord instructed us to park our two cars in the driveway next to Royce's car (it's a very wide driveway and we all fit fine). Royce started hogging the driveway, claiming we hit his car with our door. I inspected the door, there is no dent. I am also the one that moved the Pontiac in our driveway next to his car, so I know that I didn't hit it. Anyway, I can tell by how he said it that he is lying to start shit, and I feel wronged. The name "Royce" in my house sends me into the same frenzy. Since he lives across the hall I also want revenge. I leave the bathroom fan on all night (two days in a row so far) because I know it keeps him awake, The landlord called Daniel and asked him to move one of the cars to keep peace today. Daniel decided he would park in the ally, and the Blazer would stay in the driveway. I told Daniel I would not move the Blazer from the middle of the driveway so he could park until I got around to it. I know it is going to snow today and his car will be snowed in by the plows on the street if we get ennough inches. It's really immatureand stupid. I realize this. But it consumes me until I feel like I am even with the person wronging me. The Natasha girl? I want to do horrible things to her house and cars, but don't because it is illegal. If slashing tires were legal, I would have done it.
I never realized this battle I head inside of me going on. I thought that this was how normal people act when they get upset. But it's not, at all! I don't know what to do with myself. I need to focus more on good things. Like, "Yes, my neighbor is starting shit, but I at least have a place to live. Not everybody can say that." I have to force myself to be positive because I can't afford the help.
Anybody that relates with me, please share. I have an intense need to feel normal right now. I feel like a freak show.
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