I am going to sell Tyler on the black market. He is a whiny little brat today, and he is getting into everything he shouldn't. I've had it with him today. He never acts like this. Oh, but I do have his evaluation on the 10th to see where he is at with his speech, and to make sure we qualify. He is learning more words everyday, which is a plus because he was stuck on the same five words for a year or so.
Yesterday I took advantage of the absence of my morning sickness and cleaned shit. My house looked like it threw up on itself, and I feel horrible because I feel like I do nothing all day. This week I am going to attempt to organize things, then make a donation to the Arc of our old clothes. I'll keep Tyler's in case I am carrying a boy, but I don't think that it's necessary.
I've been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. My problem is anger and selfishness. I hate that. I know where the selfishness comes from, it's becaue of my dad. He gave us what we wanted instead of dealing with pur problems or life issues, and he wanted a buddy. When I was 15, you know what he bought me for Christmas? A $2000 waterbed. And I used it for a few years. Not worth it.
I don't know what is up with my anger. I don't think I am understood. If I don't feel like I am being understood, then I get louder. And ever more mad. I just have to stop. My life is so good, but I am still depressed. Not like, severely. But I am sad.
A lot of it is my Dad. I actually sat down and wrote him a letter. I told him I was still angry, and I had every right. That I feel unwanted, that my biological didn't want me and now he doesn't want me, or else he would have acared about my feelings when my brother said to me what he did. I said that in a year, maybe would could pick up where we left off, but I wasn't sure. I kind of lectured about my brother, basically telling him ignorance is bliss and if what he does hasn't been working for the last nine years than why does he think it will work this time? I said that I consider Vincent in the past, and I will not waste my breath on someone who doesn't want me in their life. I was very clear that I did not hated him, and I was an ass for saying that. I loved him very much and I just wanted him to feel the hurt that I felt.
I don't know, I can't leave it like this. I want him to know I love him, but I can't be hurt and I am allowed to be upset. I don't have his new address so I am sending the letter to his mom's house, who he sees every Sunday.
Other than that, I have a few different subjects to write about, so hopefully you will see more of me this week. I know I'm missed 
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