04/18/2009

ill give you the background story before i give you the sob story.

jason is a boy i met outside of my building last semester. he just started talking to me and lent me a lighter or something. i thought he was pretty cute, and i kept seeing him and forgetting his name and stuff. i wasnt too concerned with him.
then i learned that he lived on my floor and was friends with this kid i smoke with. and so i was like.. ohhh justin, put in a good word for me with jason hehe
so at some point couple weeks ago, jason called me. and we hung out a few times. and he was really really awesome. he is the boy version of myself.
except a whole lot smarter, and he has his shit together.

so we started hanging out every day. and he said straight up that he didnt want a gf which is fine, because im not too big on relationships. i have trouble committing. but i was really weirded out by how slow he was moving.

we literally made out for 2 weeks and he didnt even touch my boobs. i even slept over a few times. im not used to that. call me a slut, but when i hook up with someone, i usually give a lot of dome. and i dont have sex until i realy like them.

so finnnnnallly one night i just made the move. and we hooked up for real instead of dumb making out.

so anyway, the other night he wanted to have sex, but he could tell i was hesitating and he was like "you can call me a pussy but whatever. its cool to go slow"
and hemade me feel really comfortable. and i was like. yeah im trying to not have sex hah

and he goes "well you know im not trying to have a gf right now.. and you rpobably dont want a bf.."

and i got really really sad and was like. yeahh youre right.

UGHHHH i mean.. maybe i dont necessarily LIKE relationships, but i dont completely cut out the option.

and he is always so sweet and holds my hand in front of his friends and his friends like me. or at least i thought they did..

so we didnt have sex but after we hooked up we were watching something on his computer and i go "guys who dont want girlfriends shouldnt be so nice"

he interpreted that as: you are so nice. im not used to being with nice guys. i like this

so he was like "yeah i try to be a nice guy. idk i dont ever want to be a dick"

but what i MEANT was "if you just want to hook up...fine. im more than ok with that. but dont lead me on and act like you really like me. because you are fucking with my emotions"

he didnt call me for a couple days..but i obviously see him in the hall or outside every day. and he was still friendly and whatever.

but today i was sitting in Lauren F and Athena's room (my best friends here) with Courtney, her boyfriend and Tessa (my roommate)
so we were talking about athena's weekend home or something. and tessa goes
"oh lauren, i forgot to tell you. i have some hot gossip for you"

me:"oh? whats that"
tess:"well last night when we were coming back from store 24, i was getting on the elevator and jason was getting off the other one...and he was with a girl"

and everyone in the room.. just goes "AWWWW and gave me sad faces

and i just pretended to not be sad. obviously. because a) its not like i dont hook up with other guys
b)he told me that he didnt want a gf. its not like he was being a dick or anything

and they were all like "yeah but you really liked him!"

and then the subject was changed.

im just pissed that tessa said it in front of all of those people.
i want to ask her what the girl looked like or something.

ughhh this sucks. i just want to talk to my best friend from home, amanda. she is the best person in the entire world. and i miss her so so much. and im dying without her and laura(my other best friend)
i think its a combination of getting my period tomorrow, and ive been in a depressed slump for a week or so. ughh im just being overly emotional i think.
im never like this. i dont get bothered by anything.

heheh devin just came into my room he is a sweeetttieeee

oh.. so i found an eighth last night on the walkway up to my dorm. that was awesome. we rolled a nice blunt last night and we smoked a bowl this morning. it made me feel a lot better. i have cramps and a headache.
and now i just....feel really sad.

oh also, yesterday, i went for a walk in college woods with cammie and julie and hannah. and we got lost because we were high, but it was so nice out and it made me really happy.