This Will Be #4

03/06/2015

So I am due in about 4-5 weeks. This will make #4 for me. I already have 1 girl, Adisyn. She was born in 2007. I also currently have 2 boys, Ehren and Rylee. They were born in 2009 & 2012. This time around I am having another girl and I have chose to name her Shianne. She is due in April. I am very excited about her. I will admit that none of my kids were planned and I have been single throughout them all, raising them as a single mom working full-time. It is a struggle but somehow I am pushing through and making it.

The thing is this...I am excited for Shianne. But I can already tell that I'm going to have that postpartum depression thing again. I had it right after I had Adisyn and I ended up immediately going back to work as soon as I could. But this time around...the weight of being single has been weighing on my shoulders and for the first time in a long while...I have cried. It's not that I hate being a single mother. I am quite selfish when it comes to my kids and I dont mind that their fathers do not want to be in their lives. I love having them to myself. But I hate the fact that I feel so alone. I want a companion, not need one. I have done this alone for 7 years, going on 8, and I have proved that I do not need a man to help me out. I just miss having someone at my side...I miss what was there when I was with someone. *sigh*

Anyways, back to this pregnancy...I have had a pinched nerve in my back/hip area and OMFG does it hurt. I can not walk, sit, lay down, or anything that requires moving my right hip without horribly pain that puts me in tears. My OB refuses to help me get maternity leave because since there are "no major complications" then it is "not medically necessary" for me to take time off from work. But the issue with that is this: my work is strict. I have a nightly quota to hit of 480. Each box that I am having to carry and lift weigh anywhere from 5-90#. doing all this lifting and walking (8 hrs) without being able to sit...except for a 20 min lunch...has made the pain worse in my hip. It's been causing some strong Braxton-Hicks and I really dont think that I will make it to my 40 weeks. I know that, legally, my employer is not obligated to give me lighter duties and I have already been told HR that they "do not accommodate restrictions" and told me that I need to have my dr approve me for maternity leave. So pretty much?? I am screwed. I am either going to going into labor at work and not make it to the hospital in time (no OB or maternity ward in the town i work in...and I live 30 mins away) OR.....I am going to end up losing my job due to my performance dwindling. I ask that you say a small prayer for me and mine...i think we are really going to need it.

Well, my youngest is needing to get some sleep. G'night