I refuse to cry anymore. I refuse to let anyone hurt me ever again. I refuse to be treated like anything less then what I'm worth. And you know what else???
I'm so fucking full of shit its crazy!!!!!!!
I just want things to work out, I want to date the guy I care about, the first one that's made me stop and think about something more then sex. I can't stand not feeling special though, not having him pay attention to me. He's a fucking contradiction. He doesn't like to plan things but then he doesn't like spur of the moment plans. He's not all about sex and he wants a relationship, but then he wants to take things one day at a time....then for one day he loves me...then he's back to not knowing what he wants. I'm getting hurt, everyday I feel it. Its like he's walking behind me watching the pieces of my heart flutter to the floor and he's picking them up and putting them in his pocket. Then we spend one day together and he says some of the sweetest things and manages to put all the pieces back in place for a little while longer. Then it happens all over again. I'm not clingy. Its perfectly fucking normal to want to spend time with the person you're dating. Ok tell me if this makes sense. He said 'I know how this works. I'll start giving into you and then I'll end up spending more and more time with you until I'm spending everyday driving to see you.' WTF is wrong with being with me all the time?????? Am I really that bad a person that being with me everyday is bad??? WTF??? Ok have we forgotten here that I can drive?? That I'm getting ready to get my car back. Why can't I go see him? Why doesn't he let me do that? And its all my fault and I'm wrong. He says he's being rational and using common sense as if me wanting to see him is total stupid and irrational. Hello???!!!! Am I the only one seeing the craziness of this converation? I was mad, mad enough that I said that maybe we should go back to just being friends and you know what he says, 'well thats up to you babe.' He doesn't even fucking care. I threw my phone. I was so damn mad I tossed it across the car then had to cringe and pray I hadn't broke it all the time I was driving home. So I get to Hardee's where Jennifer is and I'm a wreck, crying my eyes out, I look like I've been hit by a truck. And of course she's freaking out, what's wrong, what's going on??? And I sit down with a milk shake and tell her everything, just pour it out, telling her how I just don't understand why if he wants to be with me he doesn't want to spend time with me. Why when I see all these other girls spending every other night or every night with their boyfriends, why doesn't he want to be with me. Why is he putting what he calls common sense in front of my feelings? Jennifer said she doesn't understand it...that when we're together he's just gaga over me...that he even looks at me like he loves me....but then he doesn't act it...he's too damn busy hiding behind everything...throwing everything else in my face. I don't want to lose him, I don't want to go back to being friends but this isn't working for me. I can't handle it. I also can't stand him trying to tell me what I'm thinking or how I'm going to act, sometimes thats his reason for not doing certain things. Because he thinks i'm going to act or say something in a certain way. Drives me insane. I've bent over backwards trying to keep things going. I've tried to change a few of the things I do when I shouldn't have to. I'm sure I can just find someone to love me for me, and to want to be with me. If he wanted to be with me then he'd bend just like I've had to, but he doesn't see it that way. I count, what I want counts, what I need counts, things that make me feel good count, i'm supposed to be living for myself...just like he's living for himself...so why am I spending so much time and effort trying to make him happy when I'm not happy. I'm stupid. So I think we're split, I'm not sure, he said it was up to me...and I never said anything...I just threw my phone...which isn't broke by the way...I did have to put it back together though so throwing it wasn't the smartest move.
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