April 2nd is Autism Awareness Day
Something it bugging me. Maybe I'm a bit selfish or something about this, I just don't really know. I am a very empathetic person, that's how the doctor explained it back when I was also diagnosed bi polar 2. I feel what other people feel, and its not just people it includes movies and songs. I cry a lot during some songs and music videos that make me sad. Movies are the worst, I cry or I laugh too much or I keep repeating things in my head that happened or were said. Some of that is partial OCD like me counting everything, I just keep repeating shit in my head. I end up with very vivid nightmares. Enough for me to wake up crying. Right now for some crazy reason I've been having these crazy ass dreams, usually unless I'm having a nightmare I don't dream or at least I don't remember anything. But lately its been awful. I woke up one night crying because everyone died but me and I was scared and surrounded by dead bodies. Freaked me out something awful. I slept with the light on and one eye open for the rest of the night. There is nothing worse then seeing the dead body of your child in a dream and waking up remembering it. Omg it was horrible. Anyway so I've been hanging out with this guy I used to date a lot, he's been here at the house, staying on and off when I ask him too. Well I don't like to watch movies I've never seen before at night. I know to a lot of people that sounds lame, but live inside my head and you'll understand. That's another reason I haven't seen a lot of movies. I had nightmares on and off forever after watching Saw 3, which was kinda forced on me by a group of friends who aren't my friends any longer. They were always watching scary movies and making fun of me for freaking out. I'm sorry that the way I am isn't what other people want me to be. But I keep telling him and telling him that I just can't do new movies at night, I freak out. But he's doing the same thing they did, and he thinks its funny. But it really does make me cry and feel so stupid but its not my fault. I was made this way, my mom is the same way only not so intense. When I was seeing a therapist he said a lot of it was the combination of being bi polar and empathetic that makes it so intense for me. Whether that is true or if I'm just more sensitive to people, I don't know. I wish I could turn it off and that it didn't exist. It's not something that's easy to handle. So yeah I tend to watch the same movies over and over, I like to watch documentaries and some true crime shows that aren't really graphic. I like nature stuff and animal stuff. I'll watch past seasons of sitcoms on netflix and I love watching cartoons with Austin. So its not like I don't watch anything, I'm just careful at night what I watch. So why can't people respect that? Its my home, I pay for the movies, and its my issues. If you don't like it you can leave right, but I don't want to fight or hurt anyone cause lately all my friends are too busy with their own lives and partying and drugs that they don't have time to hang out with me. So I don't want to alienate the one person who does hang out with me. Gawd I sound pathetic.
On another note Frankie is pushing me so much at work by being an asshole I wish most nights that he works that I could quit. I'm his boss, he's gonna have to suck it up. Lately he's been getting high and drunk anytime he has to work with me or the other female manager. That's not cool at all. It makes it very hard to work with him. So I'm going to put my foot down, we're not friends anymore cause a real friendship wouldn't be like this. You just don't pull this kinda shit and expect to keep your job. So next time he gets high or drunk on my shift I'm sending him home and letting the manager deal with it the next day. Fuck all this bullshit of stressing me out and him making mistakes. I'm not losing my job cause of him.
Austin is off the Tenex and he'll be starting Focalin on Tuesday or somewhere around there. I don't really like it cause its a lot like Ritalin but I'm running out of options. Maybe this will work, he's about to drive me to drink and pull my hair out. Some days I just don't know what to do.
Hope everyone is doing well. I've been reading faves lately but haven't been commenting. I've been down so I really don't have too much to say.
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