There really isn't anything worse then feeling like you have no one. Feeling like the one person in the world who is supposed to always be there no matter what all of a sudden isn't that person. Mike thinks I'm going through a phase again. That me being hurt by certain things that happened today is silly and stupid. He doesn't let what ppl say and do affect him. But you want to know something. He does. He spends so much time trying to control his life and make it logical that he's going to lose me. I'm not logical. I don't live a life where you can just figure me out. I'm not like that, and most people aren't. You can't reprogram me to fit what you like, real life isn't like that. He keeps saying he lives in reality, but I'm starting to wonder whose reality he lives in, because its not out here with the rest of us. I told Ken, who by the way after everything that happened today is the only one who came by to spend some time with me and make me feel better. Ironic isn't it. Fucking ironic. But I told Ken that Mike was pretty much trying to put me in a box in his head and make me make sense. Ken laughed, he even said its impossible. And you know what, I'm not offended. I don't want to live a sterile logical life full of contradictions. I'm an emotional person, when I'm happy I'm really happy. When I'm sad or depressed I cry. When I laugh its a real laugh, not a half hearted attempt at faking it. I feel, I live and I love with everything inside me. So how do I handle someone who holds me at arms length, who won't even open himself fully to me because of one reason or another?? How does that make me feel? I'm hurt. And when I'm hurt I cry. So what did I do today? I cried my eyes out, I asked myself a million times what I'm doing, why I'm wasting my time? Is he going to wait until its too late to realize he can't dictate how everything happens? Love is not logical, who you spend the rest of your life with and who makes you happy is not something you plan out at birth unless you live that type of life. He doesn't like to plan things because he never knows what might happen, yet he doesn't like to do things at the spur of the moment either. He makes a small change and lets me hang around more then he used to, but there is this imaginary time line, almost like an internal buzzer when its time for him to leave. He doesn't think about ever doing anything special for me but he's constantly thinking about new things he can get for his playstation. He buys a splitter so his labtop and playstation3 can be online at the same time. Seems like a waste of money, he doesn't sign in on both at the same time and if he did he'd just say he was online. I want to slap him sometimes, ask him what its going to take for him to break and actually comfort me. The conversation began with me saying something about mothers day and feeling left out. I start out the conversation then I'm sure you can figure it out from there.
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:07 PM):your way of telling me to shut up and get over it?
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:08 PM):yes but in as nice a way as i could put it
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:10 PM):you know there is going to come a time when I get to say it back to you right
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:11 PM):i know this and when that time comes ill just half to get over it
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:12 PM):nope, because the difference between you and me...i'm softhearted and would make you feel like the greatest person in the world
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:13 PM):yes but you wouldent know it happend unless you were there when it happend
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:13 PM):because you hide shit
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:14 PM):because i dont let the shit that ppl say get to me
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:14 PM):which again goes back to me being softhearted and needing ppl...there are days i think you operate like a robot...and i'm not arguing with you...just having a discussion
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:15 PM):im just talking babe
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:15 PM):me too
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:17 PM):i know you are but there comes a point in life if you give a damm what ppl say the you become a slave to the words and im just not going to let someones words control my actions or my life but thats me
Last message received at 05/10/2009 12:17 PM:
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:22 PM):when it comes down to it i'm going to be hurt and i'm going to get hurt...i've got better lucky goin to someone else if i need to feel better
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:23 PM):no i just call it like i see it you may not allways like the answer but ist the best one iv got
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:25 PM):if i need to feel better and i come to you, most of the time i'm better off calling someone else because you're just going to say what you're thinking and probably hurt my feelings more...its happened before...so its like hitting a wall either way
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:28 PM):well im sorry i dont let emotions get in the way of my thinking i keep them seperate for a good reason if you let emotions cloud your thinking your seting yourself up for more problems than you could solve by just thinking clearly to start with
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:29 PM):thinking clearly isn't going to solve most problems with me because i'm an emotional person, its something that I've come to realize no matter what you try....it doesnt work like that...somethings just arent logical
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:32 PM):i dont see it that way because if that were true then the whole system of logic would be nothing but bs and i find that hard to swollow
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:32 PM)o is it logical how you feel about me? and if it is how do you explain it?
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:34 PM):yes it is because we as humans need some one to be with because we are a scoal speces by our nature
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:36 PM):lol so you're just with me because i just randomly walked by at a time you wanted to be sociable?
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:36 PM):its the same theory of why you're with me and not with the next person
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:36 PM):you know what i mean
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:37 PM):its an illogical theory...love...hate...happiness...sadness...its all illogical and individually based
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:38 PM):yes it is but that dosent mean we can apply logic to it to attempt to make it make sense
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:38 PM)o it dosent run our lives
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:41 PM)ee you're too worried about control...whether or not something runs your life consumes you...because anytime we have this conversation...you pretty much say you're not letting one thing or another run your life...you weren't going to spend lots of time with me because love isn't going to run your life...you dont let what other ppl say or do affect you because its not going to run your life...so what do you do? give everything a little box and put a percentage of yourself in each box?
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:43 PM):in a nutshell yes because i live for me i dont let just one thing consume me the last time i did it cost me more than i care to think about
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:45 PM):you live in the past sometimes...you let me only so much of who you are...you'll tell me about jail, you'll tell me about things that happened to your family and things that you're going through now...but you won't let me in
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:46 PM):maybe someday babe maybe someday
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:48 PM):when's enough enough? when does the wall crumble? the day before I can't handle being pushed away and avoided or the day after? its just something I think about sometimes
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:49 PM):it will be enough when i decied it is thats all i have to say about it
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:50 PM):k
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:51 PM):i wont say anything else about it...but remember i was honest about how i felt about it
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:51 PM):ok babe
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:53 PM):i can't come to you for comfort, just so you know, i can't handle the extra slap in my face everytime i'm hurt just because you think whats hurting me is silly
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:54 PM):well babe 90% of the time you get upset over nothing now am i wrong?
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:56 PM):Nothing to you may be things that bother me...i'm not talking about stuff that happens between us....but today...yes it very much bothers me. I'm a seperate person from you completely, the same in some ways but the exact opposite in others. I have emotions
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:57 PM):ok babe
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 12:57 PM):I haven't gotten mad or said anything out of line this whole conversation and i haven't cut you short and told you your opinion was shit...so why stop now?
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 12:59 PM):because iv said what i had to say about it now you can agree or not but thats up to you
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 1:00 PM)oes it matter either way?
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 1:00 PM):no
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 1:00 PM):it never will
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 1:01 PM):I'm going to take my hurt feelings and try to get Austin to take a nap....then i'll find someone to talk to. I'll see you Wednesday
fedinmate2006: (05/10/2009 1:01 PM):ok love you
snoopybriiananewchick: (05/10/2009 1:02 PM):i love you too....and right now i'm not sure if that hurts or scares me...but i'm pretty sure its not logical either way
I found someone to talk to. That someone told me something that I hate to think myself. He reminded me that for 24 years I've loved with my all, hated with all I can, helped with all my heart and I've made it this far knowing I've done my best to make things better and it might not seem like much but it makes me feel good inside. Why would I let one person tell me I need to change? And why would I consider it, when I wouldn't even do it for my husband? I told him I loved this guy, and he said if he loved me one he'd be the one comforting me, 2 he would never ask me to change like that, 3 the tears I'd be crying would be happy ones not sad ones. All this came from my Dad, who in his own way knows me better then anyone else. He's a lot like Mike which is why when thinks go wrong usually he tells me to go to my mom but this time he wanted me to think about something. He said, when you love someone and care about someone there is no logic, you can't control it, you want to spend every minute of every day with that person. Did it ever occur to me that Mike loves me because he can control it? That he's not in love with me in the way I am with him. That he finds me nonthreatening, sweet and loving enough to not hurt him like he's been hurt in the past? Does Mike love me? My dad doesn't doubt it, but he can see I'm not happy living and loving in this box that I've been put it. So I need to decide what is most important to me.
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