-- Just need to reflect ---
I really like having a section that repeatedly says type here, cause these layouts can be confusing and I'm like where do I write. I'm not being a jackass either, I'm serious. I could never make my own layout or do anything in html unless maybe I go back to college and study it lol. I'm a clueless ass sometimes.
I really do need to reflect on a few thoughts today. I know I bitch a lot. I know that I keep putting my gullible ass in the same situation and come back with a heart that's missing a few more pieces. I have so much trouble believing he isn't who he says he is. I've seen him being that awesome person, its very hard to forget the person he was in the beginning. I keep striving to find him again but he's not there. That person never really existed. I wrote him a long message on facebook telling him everything I felt just so I could have some closure in this situation. I've got a pretty good support system around me right now. An ex turned really good friend Mike has been very supportive talking to me many times during the day just because I needed someone to call. Brandi at work didn't desert me when her and her fiance got back together like everyone predicted. She's been just as supportive as I was of her when they were falling apart. Amber is totally willing to drop everything she's doing just to make sure I don't get back with him. David is always willing to help me bash him and I'm willing to bash all these faceless girls that won't give him a chance because he's too nice.
Sorry lost track cause the phone rang, Mike's getting ready to graduate college and he had his last day of classes. He's just so excited so I'm talking to him about his bird. Austin's asleep and I'm still watching Thomas the Train. Anyway I wish I could remember where I was. Sorry I'm back on track now.
So no one wants me to get back with Cliff or even be within a 500 yard radius of him. Its like I have a protective shield of friends. He did call, cause he wants to mow my grass to get his phone turned back on. I'm sorry but that falls under things that are not my freaking problem. That's what I said, but really I wanted to agree just to see him again. I told him unless he brings back my cell phone charger and the cd's he stole from my car he can't have all his clothes and anything else he left here back. I also said that if I bought it, it was staying here. I tend to stock up on body wash, deodorant, body spray and so on. Just a habit when I have a coupon and its on sale. He's not taking that stuff with him. I'd rather give it to some homeless drunk person then let him take that stuff with him. I feel so used even though I'm aware I did it to myself, I let him do it. I knew it was happening. Why do I feel like I need to buy my way into someone's life? Cause he made me feel that way yes, but I always tell people not to get in that situation. That if he wants you to buy him stuff and acts like you don't love him if you don't then its not a healthy relationship. Why is it so hard to take my own advice?
I'm taking full responsibility for the situation I'm in. I need to step up and realize that just because shit happened doesn't mean my whole life is going to be shit. I have a nice home, an awesome child, a sucky job but at least I have a job. So I'm not passing all my classes this semester, shit happens. Time to buck up and understand that. I go back next semester and work a hell of a lot harder. So I'm single, that could change or stay the same. My first priority needs to be my son and myself.
I took offense the other day when someone told me I didn't put my son first. That's a freaking lie. My son comes before everyone, including myself, cliff, my job and my mom. I've been chewed out a bunch of times for leaving work in the middle of a rush because something was wrong with my son. Yes I kept Cliff around, but cliff wasn't bad to Austin. He treated him like his own son. He did so much with my kid its amazing but when Cliff left the last time, not this time but the last big time before Christmas Austin put up a wall kinda. He didn't want anything to do with Cliff, didn't want to play with him, watch tv with him or anything. Kids aren't stupid, especially my kid. He knows and understands a lot more then we give him credit for. I do my best not to fight in front of him, I can tell how much it bothers him. I try not to cry in front of him but that's hard since I can't always control my tears. But I just tell him I'm sad and that everything will be ok. He understands though, he gives me hugs and kisses and curls up on the couch next to me. Rarely do I ever drink in front of my son. Lately I've been drinking one smirnoff ice before bed, just to help me sleep. It doesn't render me unconscious. I wake up if he does. Its just enough to mellow the feeling of being alone and fall asleep. I hate being alone. Its like death at times. I walk around this place like a zombie, pacing and getting angry inside. My brain is on all the time, there is no turning it off. I can't turn off thinking. Sometimes the depression meds help but not really. Mood stabilizers don't work either. I don't like taking anything really, something to slow myself down. To stop me from thinking so much and making things so hard to understand. I know I over think things, I'm not sure that's possible to turn off. Maybe if it was things wouldn't be so hard to deal with. I will find someone to be with eventually, I just need to stop thinking I'm not worth anything better then nothing.
I need to work on boosting my self esteem and self confidence. I need to be happy with who I am, what I have and what I'm going to be. I don't really know how to start that. Maybe I just need to sit down and ask someone. I did really good when I was in therapy but now I can't afford it, and its extremely expensive so I'm on my own ya know. I just want to figure out my life, get myself back on track. If that's by myself or with someone else either way I need to figure ME out. Ugh who the fuck am I anyway?
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