So I saw Kyle on Friday and it was nice, I was really looking forward to seeing him which scares me. The more I allow myself to care for him and to admit to myself how I feel - the scarier everything is becoming for and and the more I have to fight the urge to just leave. Always trying to stay two steps a head instead of just enjoying the moment. Someone told me perhaps I shouldn't let my walls down, but maybe just let a little crack open up and take it from there. So, I am trying. And its really hard for me.
Thursday night I typed out, I miss ya in a text and deleted it and re-typed it and deleted it - I kept doing that a few times. So hard for me to admit feelings to myself like that, to admit my feelings to him like that, to just put myself out there. It's just not easy for me because I have gotten burned every single time - no joke. In his own special way he said he missed me too. I kinda like that sometimes he can't directly say thing, I wonder if he too has had bad experiences and finds it hard to let someone else know how you feel as well?
So, via text it came up why I don't have very many gf's and why I choose to have mainly male friends. I told him about some of my gf's going behind my back and sleeping with my bf's and how that I just find it hard to be around women in general they are always out for themselves and very catty. I know guys won't ever sleep with my bfs... unless they are gay hahaha. Then I might just laugh about it. Anyways, its just easier for me to be friends with guys. I have more in common with them as well. Also I have always been close to my brother growing up so I imagine that has something to do with it, and my dad too. Anyways at the end of my 1000000 page rant via text I said I guess that doesn't say a lot about the type of guy I tend to date either. He said, geez, yeah I guess not. I then said, so this is just kinda why its just hard for me to like someone, like I told you before.
I feel so much better having that out there, even it it wasn't really talked about in person. I have such a hard time even via text talking that in person its almost impossible for me. I get cold chills, throat tightens up, I feel like there is a knot in my throat, I get all panicked and it just such a hard thing for me to do. I will work my way up to it slowly --
So it was kinda cute Friday right when the group all got to the resturant I recieved a text from a friend of mine inviting me out to a Superbowl party at his place, then my friends across the table invited me to their party. Kyle had mentioned going to his friends - but that was a couple days ago. He looks at me and asks what I planned on doing for Superbowl, I could tell he was ... I dont wanna say concerned, but I knew he wanted me to hang out with him. I said well, I have options I dunno what I am going to do yet, I have a lot of homework that day as well. Which I really need to start on soon lol. Neways he asked again a little bit later and I said the same thing as before. So at the end of the night when he walked me to my car, I go so I guess I will see you maybe Sat or Sun - he said oh I will see you sun. I asked, oh really huh? He said yes, superbowl. I said oh you never actually invited me. He rolled his eyes at me and said something I don't remember what it was but I laughed and said okay I will see you then.
So I found something else out. He goes like PDA in front of people we know, but he doesn't mind PDA when everyone is gone. That will take some getting used to, but then again I can also have fun with that. Oh hey can you help me out with something in my car? lol. Oh yeah the plans I am developing in my head haha.
For the first time in the last three years I think perhaps this is the first guy I have dated that it could lead somewhere - an actual relationship. Which, scares the hell out of me. I am so afraid of getting hurt again. Well, not of getting hurt but I just dont want yet another guy to cheat on me. When we break up I can be anything except that and I wouldn't care, but it if thats why ... I think Id just --- I dunno. I just don't think I could handle that/go through that again.
I just hope he isn't like every other guy.
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