But I'm still excited....
It's only natural, right, being just 51 hours away from meeting someone that I find absolutely amazing, to get cold feet? To think maybe this isn't a good idea? To stay in my current situation, pining after someone who has made it obviously clear through his actions that he doesn't want me in the way that I want him? To save myself even more heartache by allowing myself to open up my heart again, only to risk it being broken? Of course I'm getting cold feet, perfectly normal....yeah....
Ugh! I don't know what I feel any more. I still love to hear from J, via text or on the phone. He makes me feel wanted, desired, special. And it's adorable that he's just as scared as I am. He's afraid that he will get off the plane and I won't be there. I assured him that I would never do that no matter how nervous. What an awful thing to do to anyone, leave them stranded at an airport in a city they've never been in. No, I could never, probably not even to my worst enemy (though I might be tempted in that situation lol). He's afraid that he won't be good enough for and I'm afraid that I am not pretty enough or sexy enough for him (which he adamantly denies and had rated me a 9 out of 10 months ago when we first started talking). But really, the man is spending money, not only to fly out here but to stay in a hotel for a month. That's got to mean something right?
I know that Mandy shared her previous experience with a similar situation (and I don't mind you hijacking my entry at all hon!) and I realize that I could be in for a completely disastrous situation, but something tells me no, it's going to be ok. And J has always said that if it doesn't work out, it's ok and he'll just go home and we'll have each made a new friend. Part of me would love for it to work out...I've been "alone" for 3.5 years and more if you include the distance what we between me and my ex while we were "together". It should be my turn to have some happiness. My turn to think about me for a little bit. Yes, I feel extraordinarily guilty that Henry will spend four nights at his dad's next week, but even if J wasn't coming it would have happened because I have a late running meeting at school on Wednesday night. At the same time, it gives me and J an opportunity to really get to know each other in person on the front end, before he has to spend almost a whole week at the hotel the following week. (We had agreed that on the nights I have Henry, J will stay at the hotel.)
J's on disability for PTSD (he is an iraqi war veteran who has seen action), as well as a few other things and has a steady, but small income each month. That doesn't matter to me, but I know that it will matter to my mother, who wants me to find a rich man. But why should it matter about money?? I am going to school so that I can get a 6 figure job....so really, any man that I choose to be with will be the lucky one! But seriously, why is it wrong for me to want to be loved, desired, and cherished over riches and wealth? I told J that I don't need lavish gifts (thoughtful gifts that mean something are nice and don't need to be expensive), instead I want someone who wants to be with me because they find me attractive in all aspects (physical, emotional, intellectually, etc.). J wants to work, he wants to get his illness under control and re-enter the military (which I wholeheartedly support). If he can't do that, he is allowed to make a certain amount of money per year without losing his benefits and he would like to do that. He has the motivation and desire to be a productive part of society and that's all that really matters in my eyes. I can't imagine what this man has been through but I know that it was traumatic. He shouldn't be judged or considered beneath anyone else as a result.
I've just had an epiphany...I know exactly where my fear lies. My fear is that my family, as usual, will think he's not "good enough" for me and they will judge him and "reject" him and the thought of my family doing that to someone that I care about hurts me and makes me mad.
Ok, enough already....he will be here soon enough and I truly cannot wait. I have so many things to do before then. I have Macroeconomics homework due at 7am on Monday, I have a ton of homework to do for my English class (we are analyzing poetry this week *gag*) and I need to organize a few more things around the house so that it's acceptable for a guest. That is plenty of stuff to keep me busy and to help pass the time.
Thank you to everyone who has offered their input and support and share their own experiences. I truly appreciate my dear bloop friends (although a few have been MIA lately and I hope that they are OK - [Barb, Trea]).
Love, Carol
P.S. I want to share with you an email I received from J about a week ago, so that you too can see what I see in him:
" You amaze me every day with your level of understanding and acceptance of me. I can't wait for the third. I am about to say screw it and ask you out now....... I wanna keep you safe and happy in every way baby. I wanna show you the world through my eyes and then look at the world through your eyes. If that makes any sense. I wanna make you mine and mine alone. I am not jealous or possessive by nature. I was never this interested or intrigued by anyone else in my past. But I do have really strong feelings for you that grow every day with every phone call or txt. I really hope this works out and we can always be friends with the possibility of more........... I promise to do my best to keep my word and not hurt you in anyway. I also promise to always respect your opinion and thoughts on any subject that comes up. I loved hearing your voice today I hope to hear it again later baby. With that I will leave you be."
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I would agree with everything you said except for one word.
