ok. i'm awake. i don't have any bad feelings in my stomach yet ... so hopefully today will be good. i just want everyday to be normal again. i dont want to have to worry about anything but paying rent ... you know, like a normal person. christine, a woman i work with, tells me that i'm addicted to worry. she might be right. but can i really help that i can't just block things out of my mind? can i help that what happens to me in a way haunts me everyday like im just waiting for it to happen again.
my feelings for patrick are so unbelievably strong its crazy. everybody tells me that i need to focus on 'me' ... but i hate that. i honestly HATE it when ppl tell me what i need to do. i already know what needs to be done. i do it everyday. i stand by the man i love everyday bc i know we are both strong enough to do this thing together. but most days i don't know if he feels as deeply about me as i do for him. it's just my luck. i don't know if i'll ever get what i wanted out of life like i origionally wanted. is it stupid that i get jealous of how much other couples seems so into each other? i'm jealous of the life i could have with patrick, but i don't have. i want it so badly and he doesnt understand and now im stuck wondering everyday if im ever going to get it. but at this point, he's the only one i want that life with.
i feel attractive, but i don't think he see's me very sexy anymore ... even though i've lost weight ... i didn't just do it for me ... i kinda thought he would think i was more sexy ... but it seems like it's biting me in the ass. i'm probably just not meant to be happy.
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Im sorry babes. I feel the same way about jeff to be honest. He isnt very into me..I mean he is obviously or he wouldnt have married me, but we are so damn different, and I hate that. His vision of the perfect day is watching movies, whereas mine is either reading all day, or a day at an amusement park.
