crayon box
only now he's a vagrant in my head ♥
for once, i wasn't READY to start over with bloop. i liked how my diary looked, i like what i wrote, and i had been pretty consistent with it for a while.. but i guess a fresh start is good for just about anyone, including me.
so, apparently, i'm the type of person now to go on ridiculously long saturday-night drives to the state border when i'm depressed and/or a little nostalgic, even though my '94 saturn SL1 is NOT a freeway-friendly car (hitting 65 takes about 5 minutes, no joke.) i drove to wisconsin, by myself, stopped at a gas station for cigarettes and red bull, and turned around and drove back; just blowing off steam i guess. okay, okay, wisconsin is only about 45 minutes away, but i rarely do anything by myself, let alone these types of spontaneous adventures. and then, back on I-94, i somehow wound up slowly driving past an old friend(ish)'s (WHY OH WHY DO SO MANY OF THE GUY FRIENDS I MAKE NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING FRIENDS && MORE) house that i haven't been to in over a year. you'd understand how bizarre this is, if you know that we live about 45 minutes apart - hardly a short commute. i found myself driving past the same park that me and this friend got wildly drunk in once, past his friend's house where we partied in, passed the long windy parkways we used to walk down, past the coffee shop we'd go to to kill our buzz. and then it got me thinking him and me dropping acid for the first time, at his friends house, and freaking out over seeing spiders, breaking into our old (closed down) elementary school, and the small things, like him always paying for my meals and going clubbing with his friends on the weekends i didn't work. all sorts of memories.
anyway, it got me thinking about the "fight" we got into recently - how i've refused to talk to him, and haven't for over four months.. which, if you know what having a best friend is like, you know how long four months truly seems. like an eternity. 
and i know it's ridiculously childish, and yes, life is way too short to hold grudges. and i guess i can't explain it. but me & L have been through so much together that it's hard letting go, i don't even know if i necessarily want to. but i feel like i have to.
he wrote me over facebook, that he "knows what i'm doing" and that he's never going to give up on our friendship, he says. he says he's never going to quit bugging me. he also says, he's doing great, he hasn't gotten drunk in over two months now.., and two days later leaves me two consecutive phone messages, obviously drunk and crying about how i hate him and he really wants me to pick up the line. i laughed and listened to them over and over again, sort of relishing how it sounded for someone to sound so incredibly desperate to speak to me - if that's even what it was. i just wish people would say what they feel & mean what they say.
anyway, i'm just blabbing now. i just hate how i feel that some things are out of our control - eventually, people just drift apart. i just don't want to feel responsible, which of course i do.
and yep - i just killed the original idea i had of making an "introduction" entry. but seriously.. i've had a bloop since 8th grade (college frosh now), and i've had at least 5 or 6 first entries. so i don't know if that's necessary.
P.S., i'm going to try to find time to keep this diary up, too! lame, but whatever! =]:
moneymatters♥ |
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