We've been through hell and we've come back from the darkness only to find the light in one another. It is not a light that is bright on its own, it is a light that is only bright when combined with yours. You are the piece I am missing inside, and I am the one you are missing inside. Time and circumstance had driven us apart, and drove us into the arms of other people several times. We hurt ourselves the more we denied how we felt, and we were young. We grew up, now, and we have changed.
So many things have changed....
~
I have a friend I have known for 5 years whom now lives in Japan with his wife, and is expecting a baby. He spoke with me about what had been going on with me recently, and pried out of me exactly how much bad has been happening. I did not ask, I did not beg. He asked how much a divorce without a lawyer costs, and he has decided to send me the money within a month to get out of this dangerous situation I am in. He knows my health and knows me well, and knew my husband in school. Apparently several people had very little use for him in the past.
We live and learn, we get out of the bad situations, and we find the happiness.
For it is not the end we should focus on. It is making the most of the journey on our way there.
So, in the meantime, I am awaiting this $13 per hour job to come through and biding my time to get my things back before I follow this through to the end. My husband has expressed his want for me to leave, but is simply trying to get me to do so before he does the same. I have had enough abuse and pain for one lifetime, and it is time to take a breath and let it go.
Everything I have, I had before we ever married. My car is in my name, the loan is in my name. I have been letting him use it to get to work, therefore, he has been making payments on it. It was in his possession. This spawned an argument, of course, but there was no way around the cold facts. I have several friends in the law system, and each and every single one told me the same exact thing. By all rights, that is my car. A few small things that do not exactly matter are over at his house as well, but nothing absolutely significant.
All I want is safety. I want my name, my car, and my "little" things back from him. I want it to be as though he were never in my life, and I want things to simply part ways. I hold no ill will against him, I do not wish him anything but happiness, and once things are done, I will never spare him another thought. I want him to be happy, and his happiness does not lie with me. There are plenty of girls out there who would make him happy, and that is not me.
~
My best friend spoke to me about several things tonight, including how he felt he had failed me in the past.
In my opinion, he never failed me.
The ticking hands of the clock were simply not in the place they needed to be, and he and I both knew it. We grew up, we changed, and we realized the things we needed to realize in order to be happy.
He has been the only man for me, and unfortunately - I was completely convinced of otherwise when I met my husband. I was so sure I was right. I was so sure this was the right thing to do, and the minute I said my vows.... I felt remorse. I had to pause saying them.... for I wanted to say my best friend's name.
Signs were littered all over the place, and I simply refused to listen.
Until now. So many people tell you to follow your heart - but it is never that simple. Sometimes, patience wears thin, pain takes control, and panic makes you make irrational decisions that you would not normally make in a different situation. While I may have been stupid for listening to this irrational stream of thoughts.... my life is no one else's to live. It is mine. Mine to live and mine to learn, whatever the given circumstances may be.
~
"This is your life. Are you who you want to be?" ~ Switchfoot |
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