Unfulfilled Hearts

10/04/2011

The heart is a strange thing, one that is quite confusing on several different levels. It is quite temperamental and quite the fickle thing....

Anyone who has ever fallen in or out of love will agree. Love is something that cannot be tamed, nor is it set in stone. You can love someone with all you are, and one day, they are no longer the person your heart wants. You can ignore someone with all you are, and one day, they become everything you ever looked for and ever actually wanted.

What to do when you have given your heart to someone, and your heart has fallen away from them.... and you know where it should be, but you are still with the person who had your heart?

In my case, this is even more difficult....

I married young. Young, and to someone I hardly knew. While we have not been together very long, and I did not know him the way I should have before I committed myself, I thought I loved him.

In just a few months, his temper turned dangerously frightening, and he became someone I could no longer recognize. The whole reason I impulsively married him, without a second thought, was the fact that he is going into the Army and I went into panic mode. I did not want to be "without him" or "away" from him for any amount of time. He began going down a road I could not follow. One of anger, and one of a frightening monster. I no longer recognize the man I fell in love with.... he is no longer the person I once knew.

Every single time I attempted to calm his fury, to ease his mind, to cater to his very needs and wants, he only gets worse. I cannot win in any sort of argument, I am steadily the "bad guy," and no matter what he has done wrong and I am honest and forthcoming about it - he will always bring up something I have done that was "worse." The past is never just the past with him, and he can never let it go, though I have let many things pass by.

His exes and his best female friend have become more important than his obligation to his wife. His life is completely bent out of shape, his priorities misconstrued. There is no way to talk to him without it becoming some sort of argument. The exes being friends would not have bothered me much at all if he had not cheated on me with his ex in the past, several times. I also caught him doing so, which I confronted him and potentially should never have taken him back. Men never change, and that is becoming painfully clear.

What hurt me the very most was the fact that he was so happy about trying to have children at one time, for the longest, and not too long ago completely changed his mind. He told me that he only "tried" because I had wanted to, that he had never really wanted a part in it. I told him I no longer wanted to even try anymore, that it was not worth it.

Let me pause to explain my problem involved with that....

I have numerous, severe, chronic health problems that are currently under control. I have a very small window in which I will be healthy enough to have a child. He said he understood this, and that we would try and work with fertility tests and whatnot.... and simply went back on it.

He also got tot the point where he told me that I was using my health problems as an excuse. I have no reason to lie, nor make excuses in any given situation.

Regardless, he has become someone I never thought he would be....

And as recently as the beginning of this week, he basically turned on me and cursed me out. He even brought my father (whom means the very world to me) into the conversation that had nothing to do with him. Of course, he had been trying to get me to argue up until that point, and I did not snap at him until after bringing my father into the conversation.

The morning after the knock-down drag-out argument, he turned a completely 180 and was texting me saying sugar-sweet things to me. The way he acts, both in intimate ways and not, have started feeling as though he is seeing someone else. It has become so strange.... and I just feel it.



I have not known my husband longer than the time in which we dated, which was only 8 months. I have known my best friend 9 years and counting.

My best friend has been the most supportive man I have ever known. He was only happy when I was happy, and the way my husband treated me has begun to anger him. He told me he was tired of seeing me hurt and tired of seeing me cry. I do not blame him, for I felt the same way when he was with girls that were no good to him.





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I have been hanging out with my best friend a bit lately, for the first time in almost two years. It is the happiest time I have spent with anyone in a very, very long time, and I cannot seem to go home without a smile on my face.

My heart has not belonged to my husband in a long time, ever since the first time he cheated when we were simply dating. While I forgave him, I have never trusted him the same way. I have never been able to just get over it, and my trust in him was so broken. Not by the act, by the fact that it was done multiple times.

My best friend, however, I knew I loved him from a few days after we met. Something between us simply clicked, and I never could shake it. No matter what we did, we kept drifting back together, as though gravity was pulling us. The timing just never was quite right. While I would never even consider cheating on my husband, I am not in love with him anymore. I care about him, sure, but I no longer feel as though I am in love with him.

No matter what I do at this point, someone will get hurt, and I will hurt either way. The compassion in my heart is hard to ignore, and it is even harder to ignore it when my heart is telling me where I need to go.

My best friend has waited on me for 9 years and I turned my back on him for a relationship of less than one year. I knew better, and I knew I should not have.... but I figured it might save us both a world of hurt if I just disappeared into a marriage. It has and did not.




Now, the question I must ask myself - to be happy.... who must I hurt?

For love, for my heart, what would I do?

Whom is the one who has my heart?

How does love know the way, without question?



Such is the absolute agony of love.