| Too much to handle
Soo.. it'll be two weeks tomorrow since D & I Broke up.. I am just now getting to the point where I know I'm going to be okay, so I can finally let it all out.
It all started the Sunday before, where we were arguing about the regular stuff, his lack of income & dealing with our financial stress.. we got into it a few times that day and on Monday as well but nothing I thought was out of the ordinary. Our relationship was never really easy When we started dating a year and a half ago it was completely different. He was getting paid on a regular basis, his parents were still married and life was good. Shortly after everything went down hill. His parents split up, his dad became an alcoholic, his mom went crazy on us, his dad met a woman at the bar and her and her son moved in, then his dad lost the house.. I mean one thing after another! But I figured if we could get through all of that, we could get through anything together ....however that wasn't the case.
Tuesday morning came along and we were still irritated with one another and then he stated "I can't do this anymore" like it was over.. I went on to work thinking we'll work things out later, he didn't mean it and things would be fine. About two hours into my shift my sister texted me that My Dog Died.. UGH I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and felt all this pain hit me suddenly. I went home early that day and was sick to my stomach as time approached for D to get home from work. We sat down, talked about it for a while. He was playing head games w me all day. Sending me texts like "I want you in my life, I can't think of losing you" but then he'd say "I just don't see us working out"...confusing much? I finally just broke down and asked him "What is it that you want to do?" all he could say is IDK.. really? I was like well I know what you want so I'll just start packing now. As I gathered all my stuff, he didn't stop me. I was balling my eyes out. It was a harsh reality that the guy I thought I was going to marry no longer had faith in us and was giving up. It wasn't the first time he had said those words though, but I was done trying to convince someone to be with me.. if he loved me he'd stick it through, but that clearly wasn't the case.
I had asked him earlier if I could stay at his place, considering my parents did not want me to come back to their house. They told me when I moved in w him that that was it, their house wasn't a motel where I can come in and out of..and he knew that. I had no place to go but all he could say was I'd find somewhere to go...
He kept trying to hug me and kiss me and tell me that he did indeed love me and that this was for the best which made it about 10 times harder on me and I begged him to get away from me. It was like he liked seeing me in pain b/c he didn't. I finally got everything packed up in my car and as I drove off he didn't say anything. That was that. No $$ to my name and no place to go. I started calling friends and luckily, my ex's sister said I could stay at her house.. (the ex before D) So I did for that night.. we still texted a little bit but I felt betrayed, alone & so depressed.
OH & THERE'S MORE asshole-ness to come!
To Be continued.
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I wish you lots of peace and clarity during these crappy days!