[o12] cont. Heart.Break.

So in my last entry I told you about my bf of a year and a half breaking up 2 weeks ago today...what I didn't tell you was how bad my life got afterwards. I was devastated that we broke up but as everyone kept reassuring me that we'd get over it and get back together the more I started to believe it. Everyone said we were too cute and perfect together so they didn't see it being over with for good. What my ex failed to remember was that he set up his email to go to my phone for his work so later that day I got several emails from sites like adultfriendfinder dot com and other nasty sites where he was giving out his number to random girls.. and not to mention they were black! Not being racist at all, but he usually was.. He used to say stuff like..damn loud ass black b*tch.. and I never knew he'd be interested in one.. I was so hurt. I can't believe he didn't even wait a day..a few hours later he was already talking to other bitchz.. ARE U SERIOUS?...

I really didn't hear much from him until Wednesday night and when we talked he mentioned about my phone (since we were all on the same plan w his dads gf) and how his dads gf wanted to know what I was going to do about it. I talked to her Thursday morning and let her know that i can still pay for my part if she wanted me too. She sounded cool with it and glad that she didn't have to cancel a line and get charged a cancellation fee. She also told me she was there for me and was so sorry we didn't work out. She said that she'd workout with me and wanted to hangout still, which even though I knew wouldn't happen, it sounded nice at the time. Later that night I was hangin out with my friend and it started storming. I soon realized my phone wasn't working but I figured the tower was down or something because of the storm since had JUST talked to them earlier about keeping my phone on. NOPE! they turned it off.
So on top of leaving me homeless, moneyless, now I was communicationless! UGh. Could he ruin my life anymore in just 3 days?? I was so furious. I couldn't believe they did that to me, even after communicating w them and thinking we had what I thought was an agreement? Why didn't they tell me? Why couldn't they wait til Friday and be like ok you get paid today time for you to find your own phone. I was going to get my old cricket phone back on but he had that too.. Ugh...So the next day I got paid and after work I put my old phone on craigslist to have it sold 45 minutes later for $150.00 I went to the sprint store and bought me a new evo phone for about $140 w everything I needed. I was too excited! I did it on my own, my very own phone and it was ten times better then the one I had! Needless to say, I heard back from my exs dad's gf through email (since my ex changed his # and I got a new # all we can do is communicate through email) she was asking me for the old phone back. I told her I sold it and she got FURIOUS! She told me I was immature and childish and now knew why he broke up with me. I am childish?? BITCH PLEASE! You had an agreement, an adult-like agreement and tried to pretend to be my friend to turn my phone off a few hours later..who's childish?? I was too mad!!

After everything...I was completely hurt. How could he talk to other women a few hours of dumping me when he was standing infront of me while I was crying telling me he loved me and it was "hard for him too" and all this other BS?? How could he make my life a living hell so quickly knowing that I didn't have any other options..after he "loved" me ? These were questions I kept asking myself as I cried and cried and cried.. I could barely sleep, I could barely eat and I was depressed. I thought about how my life wasn't worth living (and not b/c of a break up but b/c of the abandonment) but eventually got back up.
Instead of thinking that nobody was there for me, I called my friends, and they all stepped up to talk to me. I went out night after night with my bestfriends for coffee, yogurt, etc to talk about how I felt and it made me feel so much better listening to how hard my struggle was... It was weird but talking about how horrible he hurt me made me realize that he didn't really love me and how he wasn't what I thought he was.
Although it's easier now to realize all of this..it still makes me question love Will I ever find true love? How will I know when a guy isn't what I think he is? Every other relationship I look back on I can see where I messed up, or missed a sign ....but this one I was completely fooled. My whole family loved him and so did I. I wouldn't have ever imagined us breaking up, (I thought we were going to get married) especially the way it all happened and what he did to me...

I have gotten myself back up, started to eat better and exercise.. I hope to lose weight and feel better about myself. I'd like to think I'll find the right guy, and he'll love me for me but I don't really think there is such a thing. I don't think I'll find a decent man until I look & feel better. Sometimes I still think about him, I think about whether he loved me at all and what he is doing.. I wonder if he is dating already or if he ever thinks about me..but then I'm like why?
I feel free..I feel like it's time for me & that I can do what I wanna do for once.. I will succeed in everything I do without him