Time: 8:57am
State of Being: crying over those stupid death thoughts again
current desire: to live forever
where am I?: in the bedroom on the bed
what's that noise?: listening to KVJ (radio morning show)
ugh! I honestly feel so silly right now. Before I continue, I'm just reminding myself, that I'm probably one of the most optimistic happy people ever despite all the bitching I do on this diary. But hey, I got to let it out somewhere. Despite all the daily crap that goes on, life is amazing, and I love it!
I've always had this odd fear of death, but since I turned 30, it just got really intense. I started really thinking deeply about it. And I just spent the last 10 minutes reading theories of the after life and I just started crying. What is going on in my brain? Is this normal? This cannot be healthy.
To just fathom the idea of not living any more truly gives me intense anxiety.
What's going to happen? Is Christian concept of Heaven true? I grew up going to church. I grew up following the ways of Jesus, and to this day, I still do to the best of my ability, so I'm cool right? No worries. Heaven awaits.
But over the years, I've opened my mind to more New Age thoughts. I've researched other religions. I was a Religious Studies minor in college. So many after life theories including even more I research on the net are just swimming through my brain. Which one is real? Which one is true?
What if nothing is real? What if I cease to exist? That's the one that really gets to me. That's the one that puts those annoying silly tears in my eyes.
When I talked to Russ the other day, he told me there's no reason to worry. Pick a belief and stick with it. If anything, we'll return as stardust or fossil fuel. He wants to go somewhere after he dies and sit around telling stories. lol He said thinking of it like a birthday present. You know it's coming, and you'll find out what it is eventually.
I don't want to be fossil fuel. I want to be me. I like me.
What is wrong with me?
I really don't let these thoughts become me. I live life to its fullest trying to be the best person I can be. I just get random moments throughout the day that I push aside. Or in this case, while I'm alone at home without much to distract me, the thoughts are taking over more and more. Sometimes I go days or weeks without thinking of death. But when I do, it really sucks. It's a true fear... and it gives me anxiety.
I figured I'd talk it out here.
Anywho, teaching today at 11. No wal-mart today. woo-hoo! I just worked ten days straight in the pharmacy. not cool. stress sucks.
Yesterday at school, I was working one on one with one of my high school girls on her study guide for her exam. She randomly asked "you're going to be here next year, right?" *face palm* why? my heart strings were definitely pulled. All I said, was I hope so. Because truthfully, I would stay there at that school if it gave me full time+salary+benefits. But it's not going to.
I feel so bad, because the kids aren't used to having teachers that stay. They either don't come back of their own free will, or they aren't invited back by the principal. I'm just part-time. I can't take that risk.
I'm still waiting on the phone call from the other school. I hope it happens sooner rather than later, so I can give my current school an adequate notice. Then again, the longer it takes, the more likely i'll pass a drug test. I did more research, and our county uses the more intricate of testing. ugh. I understand narcotics. I understand hard drugs like cocaine or heroine. But testing for weed is just so stupid. It's so harmless. But if I can stop myself from smoking and endure the stress of this next month, i'll thank myself.
Last night trying to sleep sucked. I ended up eventually falling asleep. I woke up early too. 7-ish. I remembered what it was like before I started smoking to sleep. All my thoughts just attack me at once. If I smoke a bowl, those thoughts significantly lessen, and my stress goes down. That doesn't mean that there aren't nights where they win me over, but at least I can relax slightly more.
I don't want to die. I want to live forever. I've been saying I was going to live forever for years. lol. Little did I know it was a sign of a much more intense fear than I thought.
I really wish someone would come visit me from the after-life and say "hey mel. it's all cool. see you when you get here." Then I'll be able to live life even more awesomely that I already do. I truly 100% love life so much.
It's funny, because I believe in ghosts. I've always believed in ghosts. I've had my own experiences. I've had an obsession with ghosts since I was in fourth grade. So that's a sign of an after-life right?
I'm having weird doubts about everything. Transcendental thinking is both fascinating and terrifying.
I just had to write this all out, because I don't want it to interfere with living my life. I just feel ridiculous when it comes to all this morbid thinking.
peace!
-mel-
9:29am
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