Time: 11:33pm
State of Being: guilty, kind of mad at myself
Song lyric in my head:
current desire: to apologize
where am I?: in the living room. on the couch.
what's that noise?: silence right now. well the cat just itched herself, so there was a brief bell jingle
so let's utilize my diary how I should. Talking out my feelings. I've always had emotional issues. My entire life. And I've grown to deal with them. I'm.. for the most part.. okay with them. I don't want anyone to confuse emotional issues with not being happy with life. I love life. I really and truly do. Life is amazing in many aspects. I encourage people to smile on a daily basis. I'm one of those cheerful optimistic people..
except some days. I don't know if it's genetic. It probably is. My mom is actually clinically depressed with generalized anxiety disorder. And both of us are very eerily similar in how to think and personality. But the older I get, the harder it is to control sometimes. Mostly when I'm PMSy. I'm usually really good at outthinking myself. Any negative thoughts usually get shrugged off or a bright side was found. When I'm PMSy, all hell breaks loose in my brain. I can't control my thoughts, actions, or feelings. I turn into someone I don't want to be.
Like today at work. Russ says I'm overreacting, and it's not a big deal, but I disagree. I hate causing negativity to anyone. When I do, the guilt just eats me alive.
We were really busy today, and it was about ten minutes before we close. I had been stuck at the register ringing people up for a while, so I couldn't finish what I needed to finish in the pharmacy. (I work at Wal-Mart Pharmacy) PMS was taking over, and I started to get flustered. Two people came up and wanted to ring up two tiny items. I said we were busy and walked away. I didn't mean to. It was like it wasn't me talking. They were two nice people who just didn't want to wait 20 minutes in the front lines for two little things. My Pharmacist was kind of blown away and told me to go ring them out. So I did. But just the way I talked to them. It wasn't who I was. I'm usually nice to people. And I hate when I'm not nice to people. I feel really really guilty. See. I'm even crying now. I don't deal with guilt very well. And to top off with this useless monthly brain crap, I'm driving myself mad. To the point where I want to meet those to, hug them, say sorry, and tell them that they are awesome people and didn't deserve that. I didn't apologize to them at the moment, because my brain was so flustered. And I feel really really bad.
I think retail is sucking my soul. I'm tired of it. It's turning me into someone I'm not.
Usually typing out my feelings makes me feel better. I feel like I need some action. I need to do something better for the world to make up for what I did. I'm a firm believer in Karma. I forgot/didn't have time to ring up my bread and milk at the pharmacy today so I had to go wait in those longs lines when I got off. We ring each other out at the end of the day to avoid the normal front-end walmart chaos. I found a guy who had only one item stuck further behind me in the line beside me, so I said he go in front of me. But he declined.
So what can I do to make up for my actions? How can I stop feeling guilty?
On top of believing in Karma, I'm very spiritual. I do believe in God, but not in the strict Judeo-Christian sense. If you are Christian, you know the phrase "give it to God." well that's what I'm trying to do. Telling God I'm sorry. I guess repenting is the proper term. If you are of a Pagan or Wiccan faith, you can give it to the Earth. Send that energy to the ground. And trying to do that too.
I'm guessing the guilt will deter me from sleeping well tonight. Tomorrow, I might wake up and kick myself for being so overdramatic. Now and at the register.
Okay talking out my feelings is helping a bit. But my logical side says that there's nothing I can do about it now. What's done is done. I usually hear my logical side in Russ' voice. At least for the last seven years. lol. He's my logical rock. And when we says it's not a big deal, he's usually right. He called me out on being hormonal. Guess he realized it was about that time. lol.
okay enough of this whiny talk. ugh. I seriously hate when I get like this. I'm honestly not a negative person. I don't usually dwell on negativity. But when I do, i REALLY dwell, and it sucks. lol
So last night I went to go hang out with Russ at his work. He works for this company that stocks things for Wal-Mart. There was this midnight release for a game and we had a couple hours to kill. The five dollar movie bin was right there. So I was looking at it. I don't know about y'all's $5 movie bin, but where i come from, they are usually in shambles. So I decided to straighten them up and put them into rows. When that was done, I decided I felt like alphabetizing them. So I did. I feel really accomplished. It was like a puzzle. And it was really fun. I'll probably never do again though. It took way too long. At least a couple hours. lol.
let's leave on a positive note!
peace!
-mel-
12:04am
ps. thank you!
12:42am
Okay I'm back. ugh. I hate whiny talk. Just saying I'm done being moody and I'm back.
It really sucks what I did. I do feel bad, but I'm done being moody about.
I guess even thirty year olds have senseless internal drama. Sometimes I still feel like a teenager. Maybe I just angst myself out to make myself feel younger? Because sometimes I think by actions are slightly on the immature side. I look at myself and say "really mel?"
I guess this is an insight to my truly weirdo nature. But this is my diary dammit. Yes it's still a society. Yes it might even be social media-esq, but the concept of personal online diaries has been around way longer than social media sites. Hell, I had a Teen Open Diary years before myspace.
So I've decided that Bloop is where I'm going for now on just to be me. Free myself. Say whatever pops into my brain. Without worrying about judgement or fear of causing anyone any negativity.
I really do hate causing negativity to people. I can not stand it. And it eats me alive. I really truly do try to give the world positive vibes. I try so hard to keep people smiling. Yes sometimes we have to be in contact with negative to see the better in the world. But there's no use to dwell on it. Bad things happen all the time. It's how we react to them and how they let it affect us that really defines who we are and how we feel in life. Why subject ourselves to feeling negative? Why? what's the point?
This is what I tell myself over and over again. This is I guess my mantra. It's a very long mantra. But I do repeat it often. Pretty much verbatim. Wow. I really do have a mantra.
I try not to guilt to. Because guilt eats me alive. I believe Everything happens for a reason. It's actually my life's motto. It means I don't believe in regret. I truly don't. Which is why I have to tell myself that dwelling on guilt isn't worth it. Because the universe will make a reason for anything.
On a side note, that borders on the notion of fate. Is fate real? I believe in a form of fate. I think our actions will lead us down a certain fate. I believe fate changes daily/hourly. Everything good that happens is a result of action upon action upon action.
Let's just say, and I don't know if this is just a lame attempt at making myself feel better, because if this was someone else, I would be telling them something similar to this. That girl and guy I pissed off today. Goes home ranting about that bitch cashier at wal-mart. But they seemed like really good people, so I don't think their anger will last. I know they'll feel more hurt than anything. But they will eventually laugh about it and have something to always talk about bringing their relationship closer.
Or.. on the flip side, if someone was ranting to me about a bitch cashier, I would try to make it more funny than anything else. Start finding little details of the story to laugh at and make the story humourus. Give them something to laugh about. And laughter makes someone feel positive and sends positive vibes to the world. Or maybe suggesting she had a bad day.
I really wish those people peace and happiness. And if I'm the bitchiest person they came across today than that is a good day. (Trust me. I work in retail. My bitchy is way out bitchied.) People are mean... and yet.. every day.. I try and send each and every one of them positive vibes.
Which is why I believe retail really is sucking my soul. It's a challenge being nice all day. Sometimes you really do have days where you are not a nice person. For whatever reason, you just want to lock yourself in your room and be alone. It helps cleanse the soul. Keep your mind clear, because you know it's just a mood and not life. But then on those days you are forced to go live life. ... at least this time the moods waited until ten minutes before we closed.
I'm back to obsessing again. I keep replaying it, and I shouldn't. Asking myself why I acted that way, and justifying it doesn't do anything to change it or make what I did any better. It's done.
Now, back to everything happens for a reason. What reason came out of this for me? I will treat all customers better knowing how they and I will feel if i don't. When I have busy days like that, I can manage my time better to account for regular wal-mart customers and not patients or the mountains of paperwork waiting on me to finish them with ten minutes left to do them.
My brain is weird. I've accepted this.
peace!
-mel-
1:11am
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