Time: 11:44pm
State of Being: Still have this cold.
Song lyric in my head:
current desire: peace of mind
where am I?: in the bedroom on the bed
what's that noise?: watching revenge. russ snoring next to me
I went in for my background check today. It was the same place I went to in June for school. I even had the same fingerprint lady. She looked at me twice and asked me if I was here before. lol I said yup a few months ago.
I'm trying to get my brain back in check. It's hard. I have no motivation to do much of anything right now. I know I have to start this job. I think I'm scared. Having a cold isn't helping this thinking process.
I don't believe in regret. I believe everything happens for a reason. I wish I could have found a better way to resolve issues at that school. But the administration wasn't helping. I was even trying to contact parents, but they weren't helping. One kid who was so angry all the time. He screamed at me all day. He refused to do work. He hit kids. He threw desks and chairs. Telling my assistant director didn't work. She just told me to use my behavior management plan. My behavior management plan didn't work. I tweaked it so many times. Still the kid was just too much. He pretty much told me he hated me. Calling the parents and sending notes home didn't work. It made him even worse, because the kid gets spanked and the next day he's all violent and hitting kids. I tried motivating him and rewarding him for every little good thing he did, but that didn't work either. I've seen him with other teachers, and he doesn't act like that. Only with me.
I cannot work with kids with behavioral issues any more. It takes a certain kind of teacher, and that isn't me. And with him, I had two kids on the spectrum, and one kid who was too immature to be in school. Daily tantrums. I just couldn't take it anymore.
I really wanted to teach them. I wanted to be there for them. I wanted to help shape their lives. I feel so bad for leaving them, because I really did care for them. Even my little angry dude, because without all that anger, he was so creative and had so much potential.
But I was so stressed that I could barely be there for myself. I still feel like I failed. I'm trying to tell myself that it just wasn't meant to be.
I hope this tutoring job works out. It's not going to pay the same as the teaching job, but I hope it will be mentally rewarding. I hope I don't screw this one up. I'm so scared. I absolutely love teaching! And this will be with older MS and HS kids. I miss teaching that age. Tutoring is basically going over their homework and reteaching them the material. It's working one-on-one with students which I love. I know I'm a good teacher. I KNOW it. K/1 just isn't the grade for me. And I keep trying to tell myself that. I think I'm better at teaching themes and motifs of literary works than letter recognition.
I hope my K/1ers get a great teacher that can be there for them. They deserve someone that can mold them into awesome people and bring out their potential. I'm going to miss them.
Anywho, I'm just lying here thinking too much. Wishing I made some better choices with my life. Wishing I didn't quit, but still thankful I did. I hate quitting jobs. I cannot stand it. It eats me up inside. Every job I have, I dedicate all my time and effort. I don't even call in sick. I felt like crap today with this cold, and I would still go to work.
I hate sulking. I hate dwelling. I hate negative thoughts. I just can't get rid of them. No matter how much I try.
I also hate snot. It's so gross!
having a cold sucks. lol
on another note, I missed staying up really late. lol It's past midnight! I don't have to call that late anymore. lol
peace!
-mel-
12:07am
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