Stay Busy...
These are moments where I have to stay busy, otherwise my mind just starts focusing on everything and everyone around me and I get overwhelmed.
I called Alisha yesterday only for the call to end very quickly. There's a level of trust that is disappearing very quickly with her.
I chatted with Maxwell a little bit yesterday. He always shows up at random times in my life. He's physically and mentally drained lately, a feeling that I know a little too well in my life.
He wants to talk through Skype, well change that... he says it would be a date. He lives in Nicaragua and I've been talking to him for over 1 1/2 years now.
I do need to get over my fear of flying - Nicaragua is one place that I do want to go to. As I have mentioned to Crystal, that place shows up in my life everywhere... kind of amusing, but at the same time its not.
There's a website that I've been hooked on - free Spanish learning website with a video posted every day since Jan 1st. Luis and Joan are very helpful and actually email back when you ask them questions. Usually, I *hate* websites that offer free language lessons, or even ones that you have to pay money for. You can find their videos/website here: la casa Rojas time goes by too quickly while I'm on there. Starting with the first videos were refreshing and not jumping straight into vocabulary was helpful too (humor and music make things go a lot better as well).
There are songs that Maxwell has sent to me that are in Spanish, as well as English ones. He has improved his English since we started emailing each other.
Crystal and I have been talking a lot more lately. Darlene sent me a friend request on Facebook - wasn't expecting that considering how the last time we hung out ended. She says she's really sorry... wonder if that's going to last.
I haven't heard from Robert at all since Wednesday night when he threw his tantrum saying "ok fine goodbye then" I'm so tired of his comments like that. Very passive aggressive "I hate you, don't leave me" bullshit.
I think part of the reason why this annoys me so much is because it just reminds me of how I used to be, and have been less and less like this since March.
Cody (nephew) sent me a response to a message I sent him on MySpace. He says he's fine and he just doesn't want to be around his mom when she's doing all of that, which is COMPLETELY understandable to me.
I get tired of it all. I'm angry about it happening again and again. Promises broken constantly. I try my best to be there for her, yet I feel like I'm not helping at all, like I'm just invisible to her until she decides to take all her pills and tells me afterward to call 911. I get that she's hurting about a lot of things - suicide isn't the answer.
There are MANY times lately that I think of suicide - taking all the pills that I have in my room, shooting myself, cutting deep enough to end up bleeding to death, etc. but something always gets me out of feeling like this. Determination to not let the suicidal thoughts win. Goals in life that I still won't give up on even though they may take me years to accomplish.
I don't know what keeps me going. What keeps me from taking the easy way out. I hate that I start thinking about March - that failed shooting self suicide attempt. Lesson learned... I wish I could forget about things that I said to Carlos during all of that. He says "don't worry about it" - yeah, always easy for him to say...
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