I guess I'm starting to "deal" with this now.
Put on my facebook last night:
Cho Seung-Hui... hatred towards
him, that's a huge understatement. I don't give a fuck what his reasons
were for killing 32 people, 3 of my friends included. It's been 3 1/2
years since this has happened, but the anger that I have has not gone
away. Time does not take away the loss of friends. People lost their
lives. Friends and family lost loved ones. People were traumatized.
Lives changed. Lonely, bullied, etc - I'm tired of fucking hearing
about all the excuses that he gave for why he had no control over the
shootings that day. No one made him fucking do it. No one. No but his
fucking self. I DO NOT WANT ANYONE ADDING COMMENTS TO THIS - Like the
comments that's fine. Agree or disagree that's your choice. Even though
I was not there, my life drastically changed that day. It sucks losing
one friend, but to lose three on one day... there's no words to
explain that.
I remember the day this happened and the days after in very vivid detail.
Even the conversations, emails, etc that I had around that time.
Even an email to Carlos about what the next test was going to be covering (when all the emails started)
I meet with Alisha today.
Robert is coming over at 3 pm for awhile.
**to
the unsigned noter: holding onto resentment comment - I'm not holding
onto anything. I did other things to deal with this at the time, having
anger is part of being human. Having anger is a part of the grieving
process as well. So, unless you have lived my life - don't sit there
and tell me what I'm doing. Even if you have read my entries the last 3
1/2 years especially, don't try to make me out to be the "bad one".
Regarding the holding onto resentment is like holding poison and
expecting the other person to die comment - I have a right to my anger
about this (or anything that has happened in my life). If I had real
resentment I would be out there killing people myself - that's justified
just like he did, all those justifications he made are fucking
bullshit. What he did was wrong and evil, no justification can be made for what he did.
If
I want to be angry I'm going to be. If I want to be sad about losing
my friends that day I will be. I just now started dealing with the loss
of my friends without all the self-destructive behaviors - even my
entries here on OD hardly mentioned this, except the first few days
after it happened. I sent emails to Carlos over the years mentioning
the shootings, but that's it. This is my diary, I can express whatever I
want to in it. This isn't resentment - this is anger towards the
person that killed innocent people. Let me deal with it in my way, in
my time. Unless you are some heartless person, there would be at least a
little bit of anger if this happened to someone you loved
My point in what I put on my
facebook was anger about what he did and his justifications as to why he
did it. People that say "he did the right thing - he's my hero" is
what even started this rant last night. He killed people - no one MADE
him do it like he said in the video. I have a right to my feelings.
I do
understand about the resentment is like poison, but this goes beyond
just having resentment because of petty little things. Lives were lost.
In
fact, this was my entry on that day (now that I read this, I'm
wondering if my panic attacks in math classes have anything to do with
the times I'm finding this information out). I didn't mention my
friends because I wasn't sure at that time until around the time of
Sociology and I missed class that day. I did want to mention them in
this entry, but I since I didn't know for sure if they were ok or not,
I didn't.
April 16, 2007
Shooting - Virginia Tech killing (last I heard was 32 people and wounding more).
I was in high school
when the Colubine shooting happened. I was sitting in math class
watching it all unfold on the classroom tv. I ended up getting
counseling for PTSD regarding going to school after that. I didn't
trust anyone at the school and didn't help with the Kip Kinkel (sp?) in
Springfield, OR shootings either.
Today when I found
out was this morning before I went to my math class - but only knew
about one shooting until after class when Josh called and told me how
many were killed.
I can't go into this much, but it pisses me off. I can't ask why this happened. Nor can I act as if it didn't happen.
Chances are, this is going to become a train reaction of college shootings, just as it was with high school shootings.
I feel sad and pissed
off for the family and friends that lost people today because of
this... I wish I could go more into this right now, but I can't... at
least for right now.
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