Wednesday - 1:44 PM

I had my meeting with Alisha this morning, but only stayed maybe 5-10 minutes at the most.  I am not sure why I left, I just know that I wasn't feeling well at all.  So many distractions in the room that made me feel like I was going to pass out.  I remember one picture in particular that I liked that was sitting in the window.  There was so many books sitting next to me on the bookshelf that it got a little overwhelming for some reason... Solutions to Violence one stood out the most, seeing that just irritated me... I started going into a panic attack and just wanted out of that room.  Heart racing, head spinning, wanting to throw up, etc.  The last time I felt like this in a meeting was when I was talking to her about what happened with Robert.  Usually I've been ok with being in a different room each time we meet, but for some reason this time I just got even more overwhelmed than usual.

I walked across the street to the Shell and got a coffee, only to end up at Walgreens, about to buy razorblades... I told Alisha before I left that I needed to stay away from any stores, mentioning that I threw away my razors.  I wanted to buy more, but somehow managed to not get any.

Before my meeting, my sister called me.  She's at a residential treatment place in Clackamas, OR.  She told me that her counselor is going to be calling me later to talk about her pills.  The phone conversation with my sister went fine.  I've blacked out way too much this morning before my meeting.  All I wanted to do is just sleep, which never happens (REALLY BAD INSOMNIA). 

I'm wondering (now) if being in that room just triggered all the things regarding Dr B at Lifeline... seeing all the psychiatrist books.  I don't know how he's doing.  I haven't talked to him since I left Lifeline, well I talked to him once since then.  I remember going to the hospital after his surgery and all the panic that I had (have) regarding his colon cancer (what my mom died from in 1993).  Dr B and I used to talk for hours about things that we weren't supposed to be talking about - him always telling me about how his treatment was going with the chemo, surgery, etc.   He always told me that I was like a daughter to him... so many conversations, tears, etc with him during that 6 months of meeting, hardly ever talking about what we were supposed to talk about ~ medications.

In fact, I'm kind of sure that the room today was just way too triggering and thought more about Dr B than I normally do.   I miss him a lot, and not knowing how he's doing is causing even more panic issues. 

It's always interesting when I'm able to figure out these things.  I mean, I'm not 100% sure this is what triggered me so badly today, but I'm guessing its a huge part of it.  Dr B always made me feel safe... that room didn't have Dr B in it... and I already wasn't doing well before my meeting with Alisha.

I can always tell when I'm having an "off day" with my PTSD... and usually I don't have such a hard time even getting myself to go to my meetings with Alisha, like I did this morning.