Tak's song

11/08/2010

I have to write this because I'm going to lose it...

I can see this big, long, grey road of unhappiness ahead of me right now. Everyone - teachers, parents, family members, my internet friends are all so supportive. It is so selfish to feel this down right now. I hate myself for it.

You know that scene in American Beauty where Carolyn is trying to sell this house on this particular day and she starts crying when she totally fails and then starts hitting herself and screaming, "STOP IT! STOP IT YOU WEAK! YOU BABY! STOP IT!" ? That's what I'm like inside my head. All. The. Time.

Only there is no house. It's just this frame I've put up and decorated and everyone is like, "ohhh, look at the lovely house" and there's no house there!

"I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone"

When I finally crack up completely and blow a hole straight through my head someone will probably hear Adam's song and think of me. I'm so worried that I'll do it. I am scared OF MYSELF because I've always, ever since I was in kindergarden or so, known that I'd kill myself someday.

I remember the day I realized this fact. This girl pushed me and I bonked my head hard on the corner of the desk. I hallucinated for the first time - a pleasant thing about ducks all over the classroom and I could tell that they weren't real but it was so REAL like dreaming while I was awake - and I remember thinking how shitty the world really is and how I'd be happier if I were dead. I wish I were dead right now.

There's a saying, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" but that saying is utter and complete bullshittery. When you live like I have for SO LONG with this festering, painful sore inside of yourself...eventually you get to realize that even the good times have a shadow over them because you know another tidal wave of agony is right around the corner.

It does not get better. Misery only goes into remission. There are breaks between the worst times but when I look at the big picture...they aren't worth it.

The only reason I don't go kill myself right now is that I have paperwork to finish. Until I work up the guts to die I won't be quitting school. It's not part of the programming. Either I quit life or I finish my degree.

-Tak