"Too late, I'm sure, and lonely. It's another night, another dream wasted on you. So just be here now, I can't sleep. You know the words so sing along for me baby. For heaven's sake, I know you're sorry. But you won't stop crying. This anniversary, will never be the same. Inside I hope you know I'm dying, with my heart beside me, in shattered pieces that may never be replaced, and if I die right now, you'd never be the same."- Mayday Parade.
"I want you to know, that it doesn't matter where we take this road. Someone's gotta go. I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better, but I want you to move on, cuz I'm already gone."- Kelly Clarkson.
Sometimes... Especially when I can't sleep, I think. Right now I can't stop thinking. About a lot of things. In general. Scaring myself alot. I swear I'm stupid. Doubting myself, and knowing I'm not good enough for him. Even though he married me. Wondering if he secretly thinks this shit too... if he regrets it, if he's thinking second thoughts. Lost in a spinning, torturous storm of thoughts and emotions, I find myself choking on thoughts and breaths because I just don't know how to make it all stop. Illusions... Dreams... it's hard to believe in that stuff anymore. I've lost so much. Letting myself let go of people that I feel probably shouldn't, even though I know I should. What's best to listen to, knowing or feeling? Answer me that, how do we actually make decisions, by feelings or knowing stuff? Which is smarter? I don't know, so I'm pretty much FUCKED.
So enough about that, because it's making me start to cry...
I wish I could just figure out how to deal dudes.... Because not dealing is pushing him away from me, not that he isn't so distant on his own. But I'm making the hole bigger. I swear. I don't know how to not be so mad all the time, but he just doesn't understand. Sometimes I swear he doesn't even try. It bothers me. I love him, but fuck man, I don't know sometimes. I know I wanna be with him forever, I just don't know how to keep him. I wish I could let him inside, more than he already is. If I wasn't so afraid, I think I could tell him more, of what I'm thinking and feeling. But, when I wanna talk, he doesn't. So he doesn't know half the shit I actually want him to know. Especially since I'm afraid to tell him most of it, because I'm afraid of his reaction... Totally and completely terrified of it.
I really wish he would let me in too. I know he keeps things from me. I know he does. It scares me. How am I supposed to trust him when I feel like that? I don't know how to tell him that either. He doesn't tell me anything about how he feels or what he thinks or anything. Just tells me when things piss him off or he doesn't like something I'm doing... Not a word otherwise. I wish he would tell me shit. Because #1, he's closed off. #2. I wanna fucking know. I don't know man. I'll get over this too.
"Too long we've been denyin, now we're both tired of trying, we hit a wall and we can't get over it. Nothing to relive, it's water under the bridge. You said it, I get it, I guess it is what it is. I was only trying to bury the pain, but I made you cry and I can't stop the crying."- Lifehouse.
"If we're gonna make this work, you gotta let me inside even though it hurts. Don't hide the broken parts, that I need to see. Like it or not that's the way it's gotta be. You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me."- Lifehouse
More later I suppose. |
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