Venting my frustrations

11/03/2010

What is this Nomojomo business? I feel so left out, but I like people posting online more often. That’s always fun. Unfortunately, my comments suck because I’ve gotten no sleep in the past week and I’m tired all the time, either from the pregnancy or from the insane amount of hours I’ve been putting in at work. Things should calm down a little now that the election is over. Like I said before, I really give a crap who wins. Nothing is going to change. We might as well change this country’s name to the Corporate States of America, because no matter who we think we’re electing, it’s all controlled by corporations. Believe me, I know. The people I work for get paid a lot of money to push these corporate interests and make you think you’re the one in control.

I don’t think I mentioned this, but I just found out I was pregnant a couple of days before starting this diary. Imagine this: beautiful wedding, honeymoon in Jamaica, coming back to move from New York to Washington, DC, starting a new job, starting to get settled, and BAM! Positive pregnancy test! Talk about a twist of fate! Initially I thought about getting an abortion, because there is no way, no how that we are prepared to take on this much responsibility! I mean, we’re 23 years old, pretty much living off one income (plus student loans), and we’re just getting started with our lives. Come next summer when this baby is born, we’re going to have to move either to Maryland or Virginia into a bigger place. The timing is just nor right, yaknow? But I guess my hormones kicked in or something because at some point I couldn’t imagine going through with the abortion, so we decided to keep it. It is going to be an uphill battle, though. For starters, I have an eating disorder, and have struggled with it for about 10 years. I also went through a mild cocaine/speed phase in college and smoke cigarettes like a mad woman. I’ve drastically cut back on the cigarettes but I just can’t function without my morning coffee and smoke, what can I do? Also, by the end of the day I’m so frustrated, and cramping, that sometimes I smoke a bit of weed to calm me down. I’ve read up on it and it doesn’t seem to be as bad as the cigarettes, ironically.

So I come to this place to share my anxiety with you guys, because with Dex in law school I can’t share any of these thoughts with him or else he’ll be distracted and we can’t afford that. He needs to be good in school and finish quickly so we can support this little family of ours. It’s just a big ball of unknown for me right now.