For those of you who watch Packed to the Rafters, you will know how extremely heart breaking the last episode was 
Ever since watching it yesterday morning, I've been in a depressed mood. I watched it again last night with my husband because I dared him to watch it and not cry. It takes alot for him to cry so he watched it with me. Low and behold, he cried. He said it was because I was crying and he hates seeing me cry but I think it was partly the episode and partly me crying but also partly because I told him that if he dies before me, I will kill myself. And I will..
Life can end at any given moment. It's delicate. This is how I see it... I'm honestly deeply cut about the concept of death. I hate that it all ends. Sometimes I feel so depressed because I'm so madly in love. When my husband and I first got together I quickly became very, VERY depressed. Why? not because I wasn't happy but because I was very happy. I became depressed because I was happy. Sounds pathetic doesn't it? It's only because it doesn't matter how happy you are, it WILL eventually end. He and I won't be together forever. These feelings will go away the day one of us dies (for the one who died).
I can't handle the idea of living my life without him and I hate that life is so cruel. It makes you happy, gives you love and then WHAM!... It's taken away from you in a split second. These feelings eventually went away but since yesterday.. they have resurfaced and I'm slowly sinking into depression again. I NEED to get myself out of it.
I always said that I think between my husband and I, that I will go first. I want to. I don't want the pain that comes with losing the love of your life. I also don't want the pain that comes with losing a parent. I want to die before my mum as well. Is it selfish of me to think this way? Either way.. if my husband went before me, my mind has been made up.. I definately will kill myself. 2 thirds of the reason is because I hate the idea of living without him and the other 3rd is because I know I wouldn't have the support around me to keep me from falling down. . .
My friends don't make time for me anymore. My best friend??? I don't even think she's my best friend now. Well at least I'm not hers  No one calls. No one visits. Nothing. The only person I talk to on a regular basis besides my husband is my mum. I love my mum  I can just call her and talk about crap and nothing when I feel lonely or down.
These things get taken away from you though and it hurts
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