I'm not gonna touch 'it!'....unless...

07/17/2013

Soo after wondering what happens next? With 50 shades..(after reading the sampler)....and knowing I'm painfully broke...I decided...wth...I'll get the book from the library....just not from the one I frequent....lol...I know its silly but Idk I get really awkward with those kinds of things....

Anywayz...I picked up all 3 books from the library...(boy was that awkward when the older man at the desk says..'oh..OH!...hehe'...and hands them to me...lol...I must of turned 50 shades of red....)...now I read the sampler and thought it was crap...but I need to know the rest...just soo I can say I read them and tell people why I didn't like them....and yeah I am curious....Plus I'll admit...the whole virgin chick wanting to explore her sexual desires....eh...it speaks to me...lol.

I have all 3 books in the trunk of the car at this moment....I just couldn't bring myself to bring them inside the house...now I know I'm a grown ass woman...and if I wanted to enjoy sexually fueled books I can....but...my family doesn't see me as someone who's interested in sex...believe it or not...its like I have a false rep to protect...lol....I have that don't ask don't tell...thing going on....my cousin who paid for a subscription of cosmopolitan...told me...'as much as I don't like the idea of you reading about sex...I got you this...wasn't sure what else to get you soo yeah...'....did I mention my cousin is 19....smh....I'm 9 years older than her...

I am curious by nature...I've always have been....just cause I'm not getting any and I'm painfully aware of my lack of experience...I still wonder...I mean I wouldn't want to one day find myself in a situation where I am ready and willing and soo gonna do it...only to find the experience makes me unsure of myself....

I have to know shit ahead of time...like what kind of condoms are recommended....what positions are better for both to enjoy...what are the chances I'll enjoy it or hate it...will it hurt....what's normal on his end.....etc...etc...

Not gonna lie I've seen porn....to be honest it does nothing for me...lol. I enjoy erotic photography...especially in black and white....I find it alluring...and very fascinating...

I've had a naughty party....WITH family but that's different....I guess....I was soo content with doing my 'research' for that party....lol. See me and my sister have our birthdays in the same month and when we were little we had combined parties...(usually I was last minute...thrown in...)..It had been YEARs since our last one and we had been talking about my cousins 18th b-day party and how his mom got him a stripper and threw him a party....all the grown ups were happy with the idea of throwing a girls naughty party and soo I started to plan it....

The party couldn't simply be themed 'naughty' soo I went with a madi gra type theme...seemed fitting....lol. I saved for months for that party....we had lots of booze....party favors...food....a stripper....it was sooo worth it....the only thing is...the stripper was false advertisement....he did not look anything like his picture...or maybe I wasn't drunk enough by then?....lol....He did bring along a friend...who in my opinion was CUTE X)....boy was fine!....I never told my sister I thought as much...the guy wasn't even supposed to strip but he saw how much his friend was making and he had no problem joining in....I didn't get to have him tho...as with any guy....these guys were just as shallow....(funny considering how I was checking the other guy out...but they're getting paid to act interested and look pretty...lol)...anyways...they went towards the prettier...thinner girls in the room....oh yeah...they also were all over my mom....smh....that was weird....my mom tho...lol...she was talking soo much shit...making fun of the guys package....she was being mean...and yet he felt the need to try harder for her...too funny...but my mom has always been pretty and sexy...soo she knows how to 'work it'....lol...if only she passed some of that down to me....

I'm too awkward for my own good....when I was put in the 'hot' seat (damn them...I paid to watch...not to have the ugly one to bump and grinned on me...all greasy...ew)...the guy tried to put my hands on his package...I mean literally tried to slide my hands into his undies and make me touch 'it'....yeah...I was 22...and I was in front of family...there was no way I was gonna touch a guy I wasn't even into's package..I pulled my hand away and was like a lil girl.....just saying...now if it were his friend...hehe....family and awkwardness be damned....lol...


Nah I wouldn't have been down....even with the cute one...I wouldn't have let it happen...I felt too violated..lol...kinda funny cause that's what I was paying for.....to be violated...lol. Yeah I wasn't drunk enough...they came waaay too early...and those 2 sex on the beaches were barely working their way into my system....but even if I was drunk drunk....I still don't let things happen that I don't want...soo atleast there's that....I know I'm boring....I over think everything...

I was surprised that a lot of the 'girls' guys were cool about them being inside the house with strippers....putting their hard earn dollars into some random guys spanx...lol. Kinda suspicious....

I feel I'm being mean when I call that one stripper 'ugly'...he wasn't ugly....he just wasn't my type physically....if he had a personality that caught my attention...than no matter what he looked like he would have been anything put ugly to me...that's usually how I work...He was full of himself....very proud of his package...and very offened by my mother who didn't care for his advances....lol....his friends was the silent type....and like I said he was cute...did I mention that the other guy was waay older than me and my sister.....we just couldn't find him attractive....but his friend was our age range...

After that day....everything went back to normal...and I went back to being the virgin prude....smh...oh well...

Idk if its the fact that I'm pmsing or what but.....I don't want to be a virgin anymore....I want to be intimate with a man who wants me and I want him...seems to be too much to ask for tho....Jesse just wasn't gonna cut it...he wasn't my type both physically and personality wise....that whole thing was doomed to fail....he was tall and super skinny....kinda dorky looking....very concerned with his 'looks'...a bit of an ass...not very bright and took things waay too lightly....idk...I just couldn't see it happening between me and him....

Now that guy Al....I know I didn't have a chance in hell with him...but...I noticed that when he did invade my personal space...(for work reasons I swear...)...I would enjoy his presence...I didn't automatically remove myself from being too close...I was content...it felt right...smh...if only that boy knew what he did to me.....*sigh*...I miss him a lot...I remember this one time he had to show me how to use a box cutter safely....and he came in from behind... held me while he demonstrated the proper way....I was on cloud 9.......Another time was when he had to lean over to log me into the computer system...now I know I probably should of moved to make it easier but eh...I was enjoying the view and the way it felt having him lean over me....hehe...;]

I had another dream of him a few days ago...we were working together again and we were pretty buddy buddy...but there was this underlining feeling of possibly something more....when I was looking at him and wondering about it...he asked me what I was thinking and I told him...I was wondering where I saw myself in 10 years....not a complete lie but I didn't want to say...'i was wondering if you were gonna be my future...'... I then asked him where he saw himself in 10 years....he said he saw us celebrating....(he said us....swoon...lol.)...I laughed and said celebrating what?....*pause*....superbowl....?...he laughed and said that too...I guess... I really did want to know what he meant but I never did get an answer....those dreams never last long enough....