Wow, I can get sexual too. (explicit)

02/15/2010

So its been brought to my attention that all the sex tips Cosmo offers involve sticking a guy's balls in your mouth. Well I say fuck that. Out of sheer boredom, I've decided to do a correct, uncensored, brutally honest version of bedroom tips, from a guy's point of view.

1. Don't focus so much on looking pretty that you look like you're faking it. No one looks pretty during sex, and its usually best to avoid eye contact at all, except in intervals.

2. Don't put too much pressure on the guy's chest. Sex is enough of a workout without the airway being constricted. If you're on top and must rely on propping yourself up on your hands, either place them to the side, grab the headboard, or grab the guy's shoulders and hold him down.

3. "It's alot bigger than I thought it would be" is only half a compliment, and the other half will throw off a guy's psyche.

4. If you have a tongue ring and insist on performing oral, be careful for pete's sake. The ball of a tongue ring does not belong anywhere inside the urinary track.

5. Be the guy's GPS. Guys are actually turned on by being told what to do usually, and it's better for everyone, when compared to just letting him do what he's doing and pretending to enjoy it. "Turn left here" beats "oh yeah. oh baby." any day.

6. Music. Play something sexy. I suggest "Lucky You" by the Deftones or "Platinum" by Orgy. Silence can make things awkward.

7. Lighting. Blacklights, strobes, and colored lights make everything more enjoyable, including sex, when combined with the right music.

8.Take control. If it comes out, be the one to put it back in. It makes the guy feel wanted, and will show him you're genuinely enjoying it, even if you aren't. Be the one to roll him over and change positions once in a while. And no matter what position you're in, always do your best to push back.

9. If the guy loses his erection, don't be afraid to revert to whatever was working previously. Don't continually do something that isn't working just to avoid repeating yourself. There's no such thing as too much of a good thing.

10. Finally, The most sensitive part of a guy's penis is the tip. As long as you keep that part stimulated, you'll be fine. it's okay to focus on the sides and base of the shaft, just don't leave the tip unattended for too long.

I'm gonna write a girl's version as well, but probably tomorrow.