So I woke up this morning telling myself it's a brand new day and I spent all night crying so it's all out blah blah blah.
Then I went to the doctor (actually it's my pain specialist) and they informed me that from my new imaging (MRI) that my spine is collapsing around my spinal cord. Now I definitely need surgery and it just depends on when. Before it was an OPTION, now it's a necessity  . I'm fucking scared of surgery and they kept telling me that it only has a 50/50 success rate. So now they are putting me in another back brace and giving me a TENS unit (electromagnetic shock device that really does help). Just dragged down my day.
On another note, my ex (whom I still love deeply and he still loves me- he just doesnt want to be with me.. and he's the father of my baby girl) is coming to town this weekend for work. He planned out this whole romantic/fun day/evening/weekend. I know it's stupid and I'm just going to get sucked in again. I just don't care. He makes me feel whole. He makes me feel like I'm not just a piece of shit slut.
I know I'm not a slut- I just feel like one. I find shit to hate myself for and I know it isn't healthy, i just can't fucking help myself.
So here's the deal:
my ex kicked us out last June. We were still on/off whatever til about November when I got pregnant again... then I miscarried in January. January 20th.
I moved up here Feb 3rd. I was living w my dad.. then I moved in w my uncle up here.
My cousin's bf left her and her 2 kids and then went to rehab but they weren't going to get back together so we (me and her plus kids) moved into her place and we were supposed to move into a 3br house 4/1... 3/17 she told me that she was getting back with her ex and I needed to be out of the house by 3/19 at 9am. I moved back in with my uncle.
She then tried to get me fired and quit her job so she could spend more time with her bf
The owner of the DQ I work at let me stay with him for a couple days til I got shit figured out w my uncle. It was then that he told me he had all these feelings for me and could see us having a future together and whatnot. We'd been talking consistently ever since then.
So Wednesday night he takes me (and my daughter) out to dinner. I've been really careful about him not spending time with her or gettingto know her at all cuz i dont want her to meet random guys and get the wrong impression. Then he got a phonecall and left the room and sat on the phone for probably close to a half hour. Maybe even longer. Who knows. Anyways he comes back all oh im sorry im so sorry i have all of this stuff going on with work and the store and the charities blah blah blah but he never told me specifically wtf it was. Then he tells me he has to cancel our date for the hockey game Friday night but then goes back and says well its not really for sure it might still work blah blah blah...
We go back to his place and put lilly to sleep and just talk and watch tv for a few hours. we talked until about 3am. then out of nowhere while we are laying in bed (not touching) he tells me hes been thinking a lot about "us" and there's so much going on in my life and its such a mess and its all so complicated and he doesnt want to add more stress to my pot blah blah blah. I tell him he doesn't at all that he actually makes me feel BETTER but whatever if you are just trying to get rid of me thats fine its whatever. So he gets all uppity and tells me i took it the wrong way it came out wrong blah blah blah thats not what he meant. So i ask him to tell me what he DID mean? WHAT? Just spit it out and hes telling me im being mean and shit im like just say what you mean!!! and he tells me something about how it wouldn't even matter anymore cuz now no matter what im going to be thinkin about the first shit he said. I tell him to correct himself then- but he never did so i start to go to sleep. Then he starts like molesting me and that's my personal weakness.. if you fool around w me while im sleeping we (almost always) WILL end up doing the dirty. I just can't help it. Then he tells me I raped him. WHAT??!!!
So I want to leave. But I can't cuz a- lilly is sleeping and b- im locked out of my uncles for the night. so i just pass out. we wake up the next morning and he usually just gives me his key and tells me to bring it to work later stay however long i'd like (im always out by 10am). This time, he kind of rushes me and i told him i was almost ready anyways but then he tells me he can't help me put my shit back in my car (not that lilly is shit but our clothes and the pack n play and stuff) cuz hes runnign so late.
Then he sends me home early from work. Like right after I got there. Tells me I have too many hours... but he works all the high school girls 40hrs a week even tho by law they can only work 26... and ALL of them are bitching that they aren't getting their homework done and they only have 1 day off per week and shit. he tells them there's nothing he can do and hes sorry. what a fucking liar. he's such a piece of shit and i should have realized it right off the bat.
So I went home and cried all day/night. I wanted a cigarette so I called my friend Nick (we will discuss him another time) and asked if he would pitch in for a pack... so he ends up buying me a pack and telling me no worries wont let me pay for it. Then he tells me to just let it out and he's here for me. So I hugged him and he held me and I just cried for a while. I told him everything that happened (but he doesnt know WHO it is he just knows its a guy). He says he wants to beat him up just tell me who and I will beat his ass. Nobody should hurt me like that he says. blah blah blah. He's such a sweetie but he's going back to his ex. Even tho he tells me how much he has liked me since we met 4yrs ago. Ugh. So much I should explain but not now cuz this is so fucking long.
Anyways, my uncle said he could only be here til midnight so at 12 we go outside and he's going to leave but i was talking about how i just wanted to run away and drive so far away and he wants me to go with him for a drive (to nowhere) but i can't cuz lilly is sleeping. So he/we stalled until my uncle got home (12:30) cuz i was going to ask if it was okay if i left for a little while .. lilly is already sleeping and he can just go to bed if he wants or whatever she's fine i just cant leave her home alone... but i didnt even get that chance cuz he started bitching about how its his house his rules and he said 12 (even tho we were outside and nick didnt get there til 11:45...).
Eventually I told him it was my fault that nick was still here that I was going to ask him if i could leave for a lil while and he tells me that nick just wanted to have sex thats all he cares about hes not my friend and he doesnt care about me blah blah blah. He's right and wrong at the same time. Nick wants me so bad but he's understanding about me not wanting to do anything with him and its greatly appreciated. He was being a good friend last night and I thought it was very rude that he can just say that shit about my friend. He's always cutting my friends down or who I want to be seeing or my job or my car. Nothing is ever good enough for his standards.
I can't wait to get out of here. Anyways. I just needed to get the chad shit out in addition to nick's minor visit. I'm glad I have a shoulder to cry on. I fucking needed that.
Maybe I will talk about the weekend ahead tomorrow morning.. or maybe I will write about it after everything happens.
Until then,
Peace. |
Loading...