it's not the life it seems.

I feel like I have so much to write but just not enough time. Today I have to:
1. Finish my 10 page annotated bibliography (due on Wednesday)
2. Work on my math flashcards for chapter 3 test (also on Wednesday)
3. Fix my bed because it's been super messy since Friday.
4. Work out before going to bed.

I don't even know where to begin. I haven't been in the greatest of moods lately. I really want to curl up in a ball and cry, and I have no idea why. I feel so overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life. There are so many things that are changing, and I feel like each day, I am changing too for the better or worse. I want to stop time for a just a little while and just do things without feeling like I have to rush. I want to stand still for just a second and not worry about how crazy my body is, or how we're going to pay off this house, or how the hell I am going to pay for college. I am emotionally exhausted from everything and I don't know how to let it all out.

Thomas and I have been talking for weeks now. We flirt a lot, online and on the phone. I was house sitting/dog sitting this weekend and Friday after work, he came over. I told him not to expect anything because I've been feeling sick and he said that was fine....we laid in bed and talked for HOURS (with some making out in between). It was nothing short of amazing and wonderful. Eventually we did end up doing the happy dance, and while I didn't think of the consequences then, I thought about them ALL day on Saturday. I know sex isn't only what he wanted because he stayed afterwards, we talked more and cuddled until 2PM, and even then, he stayed until a few minutes before he had to go to work. I feel like kicking myself in the ass. I feel that if I keep talking to him, I could easily fall in love all over again and I know that can't happen. We are on 2 completely different schedules and it wouldn't work out. The worst part? This happy danced happened without me being on birth control and without us using condoms or anything like that. I feel like I am not freaking out about it as much as I should be though. I definitely do not want a baby and I think at that time, we both had a temporary lapse of judgment. I don't know how I would deal if I am pregnant. We'll have to see, I guess. I am just so confused...so bothered by the fact that this isn't bothering me as much as it should be...and annoyed at myself. Why didn't I stop this? How can he still have this effect on me after all this time? I can't fall in love! I just can't....my life was back to some kind of normalcy before he came along and now he's thrown it into chaos all over again and it's driving me INSANE.

I also just feel like junk in general. I'm fuckin' 21 and I don't really have very many friends. I have really close friends but they live in different states and countries. I have no one to really hang out with, be crazy with, and have fun with. I just need friends, I feel like I need to socialize more...and act more my age. And I totally don't. I act like I am so much older than 21. Lately it's just been hitting me a little harder - I don't really have anyone to go out to stores with, or hang out on Telegraph with, or anything like that. I know it was sort of my choice when I decided to be anti-social in high school but I don't really feel like I am this way now. Although maybe I am because I still don't have very many friends that live close to me?

I don't know. I am not ready for the week to begin...I am not ready to go back to class or work or anything right now. Maybe that will change tomorrow when I wake up and realize that I need to kick ass this semester but for now, everything just seems kind of pointless and crappy. And here I was thinking that going back home would make me feel all better....

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