warning - this entry mentions play rape and play incest, and may be triggering for abuse victims as well as eating disorder sufferers
fuck this shit fuck god cunt shit fuckker.
would it be more damaging to my body to a) continue anorexic behaviour b) stop anorexic behaviour and replace it with bulimic behaviour (binge and purge by vomiting - am not into laxative abuse).
i... i need it. to cope. and it's either i don't eat at all... or i severely binge, which means i have to purge, because i jsut have to. i want so, so badly to just fucken stuff my face full of all this food and... and... i can't allow it to stay there because i'd just hate myself so, so much. god i know you're all going to say "omg don't do it!" but i seriosuly want to know would it be worse for me to pick up binge and purging behaviour than if i were to continue with the anorexic behaviour, because i just want one or the other right now. i can continue my recovery later on in the week i just need to do this right now.
*sigh*
luke is still having trouble coming. did i even write about that? that he can't come lately? well, he can, every now and again... but he can't do it when he's fucking me, or like...anything. and every time we fuck, the condom breaks because we are at it for hours. we are still using condoms because ... we decided that we are too messed up right now.
um... what else. oh yeah... for my birthday... we ate fish and chips on the beach... then he play raped me... for hours... and i was literally screaming "no daddy! no more! please stop daddy i can't take it anymore! nnnooo daddy no daddy nnnooo" (seriously i'd come four times that night already and i'd had enough lol but i wasn't about to safeword, it was amazingly hot to be fucked when i really didn't want to be anymore) and he was saying, you've had enough? well too bad because i'm - not - done - yet !! it was so, soooo hot... mmm... when he finally gave up on me i was so fucking exhausted i was just laying there completely naked and spread legged, totally unable to move, completely COVERED in my own come and sand, and after the third time there was like, this biggest drop of come dripping down the entire length of my arm, and it was bothering me a bit but i was too fucked to move and wipe it away so aaaahh. i'm still finding all of this sand in my hair...
it was a really romantic night... he was a little pissed off because we'd left our new toys in the car with the intention of going back to get them after we'd eaten, but we didn't realise just how long of a walk it was from our car to the beach (one long windy path) so we couldn't be fucked in the end and made do with our twisted imagination... muahahaha...
...i wish he could come... i have no idea why he cant all of a sudden... he sure does get frustrated though... after hours of fucking and getting "close", with no fucking orgasm... he goes all quiet afterwards, and i end up comforting him, which is fine by my because i'm having the fucking time of my life lol!!!
back to the dilemma of eatingness... i'm hungry... but i'm not... i just want... something... |
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