4th july, best's 31 b day, frustrated w-life

07/10/2013

I'm feeling frustrated, which is mainly why I am here to write. It will give me something to do.

4th of july was as usual plus some very little people.
My twin had his college friend from San Diego with his wife and their almost 1 year old. Justin, his wife Lindsay and my nephew Devin. John and his two kids, Holden and Grace. Although none of them stayed over at the beach house. I stayed at the very hot-humid beach house from the 3rd to the 5th.

On the 3rd we all hung out, there was about 15 of us, some at the beach, some watching tv, some on the portch. About 5:30, we head to a spot to watch the parade.I leaned on John's car the entire time. I didnt feel like standing up with everyone else.
After the parade we all went out for pizza. John and I with the two kids were at the very end of this long table.
I know I am not a father so I'm not in the position to question anyone's parenting skills, but Holden, who is 4.5 years old, didnt have any crayons, trucks, or even his itouch to play with. John was holding Grace bost of the time and Holden was being a pain but I would be too. Having nothing to do, no one to really talk to, although he did say "how's everyone down there?" looking at the other side of the table.
After the pizza, we went down to the beach area to watch the fireworks. I sorta stayed back with my father and his friends, we didnt go all the way down to the beach. But by this time, I had the redsox on a radio with headphones.
After the fireworks, we split up, all going our own ways.

On the forth, we had a bbq, then we were in a parade. the parade as it always does, winds down to a beach where there is a stack of wood, my sister says the stack was 70 ft high. And when it got dark, they lit the pile of wood and once the out-house that stood on top fell over into the ocean, we leave. Most people went back to friends of my parent's for a bbq. My sister was manning the grill. it was very good.

On the 5th. John with the kids and his mother came down. We went down town to the old shops and walked around a bit.
again, another parenting thing with John...so remember, he has a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Normally people play disney music or some type of children's music. Not John, he listens to his screaming music. It makes metallica sound like easy listening. Not to mention, they're not appropriate anyways. I was even more suprise that he listened to that music with his mother in the car. I sarcasticly said to his mother, you must love this music and she sarcasticly said oh I do.
While we were having Hotdogs, cause that's what John wanted, his mother said "did Kat have curly hair when she was young?" cause Grace has curly hairl. John said he didnt know.
She asked because Kat's fiancee... has curly hair. Lisa told me that she and her mom talked about this before. we can all make our own conclusions, but we'll never know.

John's mom brought Holden down to the beach, Grace was napping and John and I just hung out on the portch, listening to our own radeos, commenting on things here-there. Eventually Holden and John's mom came back from the beach and they left about 5.
All the while, it was in the 90's and humid for the entire time I was there. I ended up going home that night, Friday night.


SATURDAY John's b day
It was just me and him. I had this great idea for his birthday. I wanted this to be a memorable birthday.
We went for chinese food first.
Then we went to a cigar bar, he loves cigars, I cant stand them. We had this 22 year old Waitress who told us her entire life story. The really funny thing, and I made John feel old on his birthday. The music that was being played was music we grew up with, smashing pumpkins, radeo head, bush, googoo dolls, god smack, ... there was one song that came on and I said, you know, this song is older than our waitress? he didnt believe me so he looked it up, it was from 1990. lol. John told our waitress this, she said she listens to this music too. it maybe a bit before her but she likes it. John also told her that we have known each other "longer than you've been on this earth" lolShe was telling us how she loves to bake and wants to open a bakery someday. She had made cupcakes for a friend's b day. the theme was that tv show, walking dead? or what ever, with zombies. So she's showing john the pics, John said something sarcastic to let her know I'm blind and so she then describes each one and how she made them. I was impressed. Then john talked about how he works for converse and so he pulls out his phone and shows her some of the sneakers he's working on. John tries to describe it and the lady just starts describing the sneakers amazingly, and it reminded me of Karen. We stayed there for about 2 hrs before we would hit our last destination.
we went to the strip club. a welcome back into bachelorhood.
It was hmm good, not great. Plus I spent a lot of money, I payed for everything for both of us. and I left there feeling the same way I do every time. Like I am a pethetic loser and I hope I dont have to be a pethetic loser for the rest of my life.

John had an awesome night. and that's all that matters.


I have felt litterally sick, the last couple of days over Karen.
We talked last tuesday on the phone, and that was the last time we talked on the phone. I had sent her at least a good morning text every day and usually a text during the day or at night before I went to sleep. I normally do that. I didnt expect I would talk to her again till monday since Thursday was the holiday and friday was too thenw as the weekend. So I was all excited for monday at about noon time when I called her. I had a bunch of things I was going to talk to her about. So I call. The phone wrang 5 times and then went to a busy signal. I thought that strange so I called again and got the same thing. I sent her a text, and then thought, hmm if her phone isnt working, she wont get her text either. I'll send her an email so I did.
I didnt hear anything from her all monday.
Tuesday I do the same, call, text, email, nothing. I was feeling sad and confused.
I told myself I would not talk to her for a few days.
I'm not that strong. good thing I didnt make any bets.
Today, Wednesday, at about 2pm, after seeing she had posted a few things on fb, one being something like, it is thundering and lightning. I'm taking my phone, tablit and pup to the basement with me, contact me if you need. hmm ok, so I did just that, I tried calling. I got her voice mail. well, it wasnt her voice, it was just her number. I hung up and sent a text saying "u avoiding me for some reason?" she wrote back within 10 mins, saying, no been cleaning up for a yard sale not had phone on me cause I didnt want it to get lost or broken.... and that was all.

I wish I knew what she is thinking. Obviously she hasnt been thinking of me. or at least, hasnt missed me too much or she would have contacted me back.

I am just sick, frustrated, sad and confused about Karen.

it doesnt help that I dont have a fulltime job to occupy my mind, or friends to go out with-hang out with.

At this rate in life, I'm going to end up in an condo, by myself with not many "real" friends. around here and a lot of time on my hands to be lonely, alone, pethetic loser