Today's date holds a lot of dark memories, 11-17.
It was 25 years ago from today.
November 17th, 1989 was suppose to be a fun day in my life as I was going over my friend-family friend's house for my friend Stacey's 10th birthday. there would be a dance down stairs of her house.
I was going to dance with her. I was going to slow dance with the birthday girl.
Instead, it turned out to be one of the 3 worse days of my life. I had eye surgery on my right eye. Prior to the surgery, I could read print with very strong reading glasses using my right eye.
When I took off the patch from my eye a few days later, I couldn’t see anything. Black. As dark as that day holds for me.
So unfortunately I remember Stacey's birth date because of it... and others who shared her birthday
About a month ago, I was out with my buddy Zach. He's the kid I went to the world series with last year. This lunch lasted 2.5 hours. We talked about everything and then some... except sports somehow. Imagine that? these two obsessed sports fan talking for 2.5 hrs and not a moment of it about sports? Well, one of the things I brought up was about Indiana. I told him that I want to contact her. I had to give him the background as he didn’t know anything about the situation. I don’t remember the exact words he said, but it was in the effect of, you are the only one who has to live with your choices. Do you know what you would say? At the time I did not. He said to me that there could be a few ways she could respond and you have to be prepared for all of them. I said I know. He said, she could either say hi, and that's all, she could have an entire conversation, She could say I fucking hate you don’t call me again or she could just not respond. Are you ok with all of those? I said yes.
So today is her birthday. In my head, I was going to send her a message and I knew what I was going to say. I wasn't sure how though. If FB message, I know some people don't do FB messaging anymore because you have to DL something? I thought of emailing her but she has 3 email addresses and who knows if she still has any of them or when she'll check them. Or I could send her a voice mail through sprint, since we both have sprint. I sent her a voice mail and all I said was "happy birthday beautiful angel. I love you and I miss you every day". and I sent it.
2 minutes later my phone rings and it was her. She had called me back. I was shocked to my core that she did call back. It's been more than 2 years since I heard her angelic voice. she said "well I had to thank you." and for the next 90 minutes we caught each other up on our lives. We smiled, we laughed we cried. I still love her and will always love her.
She said that there are no words to express how sorry she is. She said she was sorry. She was softly crying.
She gave me one reason but the reason she gave wasn't exactly what I was looking for. I know I should have not caved internally and kept asking for answers but I let it go. I did tell her about the twist of pain and sadness I got when I thought of her. Some other part of the conversation I asked if she thought of me at all. She said "of course". At the end of the phone call she did say sorry again and she knows she hurt me.
Her angelic voice put a smile on my face and her cries broke my heart.
We talked about work,
She works at a store with a first time manager who has anxiety issues. She told me about a few situations. She told me she worked at a day care at a Church over the summer. She told me all about the strange interview and two separate situations at work involving the kids and she had to quit. She told me about a severely sprained ankle and how she did it.(falling off a box, trying to reach a high shelf at work) She told me she had an interview at the printing house for the blind as a transcriber but she's not so sure about it as she would be stuck in an office by herself and she's a people person. Transcriber... transcribing print into Braille. Needless to say, I was quite pleasantly shocked
I told her about my work and the ups-downs, mostly downs at work with the management and my struggles of trying to find another job. She told me her issues with trying to find a career and not just a job. She wants to do art therapy but she needs a masters degree to do it but she says you need experience to be accepted into the program and she doesn’t have any.
I talked about all my disastrous trips I took this year.
She said, better than around here. Nothing happens here.
I talked about my nephews and I told her I would send her some pictures. she told me she's going to be an aunty next month. She's very excited.
I told her about this funny phone call I got last night from my friend Lisa who lives in Texas. So Lisa called me up and no "hi" or "hey" or "it's me" it was "oh my gaud it's fucking snowing here" She laughed and said so it was snowing in Dallas? I said yup. She said "I have a friend in Dallas, I'll have to make fun of him."
She told me that Moagi was there, sitting on her sweater. She could go lay on blankets or pillows but nope, she's on my sweater. Her little 7 LB dog who I loved so much too and she loved me too. The dog still has the fuzz ball I got her. All the stuffing is out and "I think it's being held together by her spit."..."I'm afraid to wash it, it will probably turn into dust." I told her I still have and use the bowl she made me as my change jar. She said she wears the sweater I bought her. I said "you do?" "it does get cold around here you know" I said the blue-green one? we laughed over that. Her favorite color is green and my mom picked out this greenish-blue sweater but it's more blue. My mom said it was green. I told her that I wrote some poems about her.
As she can do, she talked and talked, telling me stories and giving me the second by second, explaining, describing everything. I could visualize everything she was saying. It was beautiful. It's just the way she talks.
She said that she had to get going. She had to work and run some errands. I asked her, so where do we go from here? She said that she was very happy I called. She enjoyed our conversation and we'll talk soon. She said she was really sorry again for hurting me. I said ok, talk to you later. my voice broke for the 3rd time in that phone call. Hers did too for the second time. She said by and we hung up.
Part of me, a part that is hiding right now, still is angry, upset, jealous, sad and is in so much pain ...even after the phone call.
However, hearing her voice, hearing her laugh, the way she pronounces my name in her mid-west accent. (even if she doesn’t think she has one) The comfort ability I had with her and she has with me. The fact that I didn't have to explain what I mean when I say things. A couple of people I chat-talk with, when I say things, at times I have to explain what I'm talking about. Just as an hypothetical example, if I were to say it was cold out today. the person may say, what do you mean by cold? Was it snowing out? was it just overcast? I don’t get what you mean by cold. ... (if that made any sense, if the example given was bad, I'm sorry) My sarcasm isn’t lost on her and hers isn’t lost on me either. Talking to her just feels...perfect.
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