another candle in the cake

02/28/2013

Happy birthday Jonathan.
I wish for…

So, here you sit, in your room,, getting ready for a fun trip coming tomorrow. Getting to hang out with Phillis and Larry, Danielle and Josh.

Saturday night, going to see Bon Jovi for the 21 time but my first time in FL. It will also be John’s birthday. That will be fun.

Sunday I’m going to see spring training baseball. The Marlins playing the Mets. To hear a bat hit a ball…beautiful sound to Jonathan’s ears.

The two things that give me the greatest joy. (besides friends-family)

What have I done in the last year?
What will I want to do in my 35th year?
Am I where I want to be in my life?

Obviously the answer to that last question is no.

I am going into another year with the same 2 goals as I have had the last 13 years. I want a fulltime job and a girlfriend.

I ask myself, is counseling what I want to do? I’m not so sure any more. If I have not found a job yet, maybe it’s not where I belong. If it isn’t, I would not know what I would do. I feel that my degrees would be a waist. Am I burnt out? I don’t know. I’ve been in the field for 10 years now. However, can I just turn away and not look back on this field? I think that if I found another career that would pay the bills, I think I could.
What if I just have not found my nitch in the counseling field? I have thought about this before because I do mental health counseling…there are a lot of different types of counseling but I would probably need yet another degree. I don’t want to pay money for something I’m not sure would give me a job. There is no guaranty in life and so I don’t want to end up in debt and not have a job.
Maybe I need to move to find a job…

I’m not getting any younger. I would love to have a girlfriend and eventually a wife. I have tried to find my dream woman …only to realize that maybe she’s not out there or even if she is, maybe she’s not right for me.

I have found a very special lady who I love. It started as a friendship here on bloop and in the last year it has blossomed. I have “seen” her demons. I know some of the skeletons in her closet. She has been totally opened-honest with me. She has told me things that she hasn’t told anyone else and in one case, has lied to others about to protect her image-self. I have heard her cry of both pain and joy.

She learned Braille so she can have another way to communicate with me and has written notes in Braille and for me. She even made me this baseball with her blow glass and put my name on it…in Braille. She has sent me a Chanukah card in Braille and even wrote a word in Hebrew which she had to look up. She has taken my hands to show me things and using her words to describe things only as an artist can. She is both beautiful (even if she doesn’t think so) and smart (even if she doesn’t think so). She can cook and has made me Matzo Ball soup, and it was very good. She has showed her crazy love for me by calling me just two hours after having her tonsils removed just so she could let me know herself, that she is ok.

We have mentioned children, but only in a funny way but it is still a mention. I want Karen to accompany me to my sister’s wedding in October and she has asked me where it is. ”so I know where I’m flying into”

One step at a time. I will hope for the best. Lord knows I’m trying.
Everyone says I “deserve” to have a girlfriend. How do I deserve to have a girlfriend?

In my 34th year, I have been blessed with a biological nephew and devastated with the death of my pah.
I have been to two more baseball stadiums and hopefully I will go to another new one for me this year.
My sister is getting married this year and just sold her condo and is looking for a house.
My best friend is in the first stages of getting a divorce and I am heart broken for him and me.
Another good friend of mine, who was a coworker of mine for a few years, adopted a beautiful baby this year with his wife after trying to have a baby of their own. It gave him purpose in his otherwise crazy –confusing life.

Many of my bloop friends have had bipolar type year with extreme highs and lows. I believe your highs have outweighed your lows or I hope they have.

Geesh, this sounds just like I took my “year in review 2012” entry and just updated it.
I am sorry if I have bored you.
Hmm well if I have bored you, you probably have not got this far.

In the end, I am another year older.
Another candle in the cake.
And yet, I am no closer to figuring out my life.
A friend said to me “you need to be patient”
I just don’t want to have many regrets in this life and I don’t want to be alone.

Bon Jovi

"Just Older"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPUKIMZs360

Hey, man, it's been a while
Do you remember me?
When I hit the streets I was 17
A little wild, a little green
I've been up and down and in between
After all these years and miles of memories
I'm still chasing dreams
But I ain't looking over my shoulder

[Chorus:]
I like the bed I'm sleeping in
It's just like me, it's broken in
It's not old - just older
Like a favorite pair of torn blue jeans
This skin I'm in it's alright with me
It's not old - just older

It's good to see your face
You ain't no worse for wear
Breathing that California air
When we took on the world
When we were young and brave
We got secrets that we'll take to the grave
And we're standing here shoulder to shoulder

[Chorus:]
I like the bed I'm sleeping in
It's just like me, it's broken in
It's not old - just older
Like a favorite pair of torn blue jeans
This skin I'm in it's alright with me
It's not old - just older

I'm not old enough to sing the blues
But I wore the holes in the soles of these shoes
You can roll the dice 'til they call your bluff
But you can't win until you're not afraid to lose

[Solo]

Well, I look in the mirror
I don't hate what I see
There's a few more lines staring back at me
Now the nights has grown a little colder
Hey man, I gotta run
Now you take care
If you see coach T. Tell him I've cut my hair
I've kept my faith
I still belive I'm just...
Ha

[Chorus:]
I like the bed I'm sleeping in
It's just like me, it's broken in
It's not old - just older
Like a favorite pair of torn blue jeans
This skin I'm in it's alright with me
It's not old - just older