dear diary

05/07/2010

Dear diary

I know that I have not written to you in a while, you know, just me writing to you but I have the sudden need to just displace my feelings and emotions, my thoughts and desires in here for you to read.

I am a sensitive and emotional guy as you know. I like using the word passionate. However I think I am losing it.

I went to all these years of school, I pride myself on loving school and learning and now, now what? I am left with a job that pays me 12 bucks an hour for 4 hours a weeks.Mean while, some of my classmates and fellow interns I worked with, already have their licensed. They are licensed therapist and I have yet to begin on my clinicle hours. I need 3380 clinicle supervision hours as you know. I feel so helpless. I just, I just dont know what more I can do.

I have applied to 47 different companies, most of them turning me down because I dont have a drivers license. So a drivers license is more important than an advance masters degree. I guess this world does not value education as much as I do.

You know diary, I even thought last week, if I am not a counselor, what else can I do? ya, I really thought that. I mean, what else can I do? Let me just take 4 years of a criminal justice degree, 2 years of a master's degree in psych counseling, 2+ more years for the certificate of advance graduate studies in psych counseling and just leave it all behind. sure. let me just throw alway all that blood, sweat and teers. let me pretend it never happened because with the 4 hours a week, dead end job in a dead end company that is how I feel. If you want to label me as depressed, go ahead but I'm depressed do to lac of things to do.

And as you know, my other big thing in life I am always bitching about is not having a girlfriend. What is wrong with me? I know some females are afrade of my disability. I know that. I get that and just like we all have things we are looking for in a partner, I can understand someone not wanting to be with a blind person no more or less than someone wants to be with a person who is too tall or too short, someone who is religious or not, or a dif religion. Some one maybe a bit too into themself or maybe they are too caring-giving and dont think of themself at all to a fault.

I have voiced what my ideal- dream woman would be, but let me do that again, ok diary? thank you.

She is Jewish and has some connection to the Jewish religion-comunity.
she has a good relationship with her family
She is outgoing. May not have to be outgoing in public just with me. A lady that will push me, pull me and stand beside me.
A lady who is caring, understanding, open minded and is romantic.
Please, a lady with little to no drauma. Drauma is a waist of time.
No drugs of any type and no smoking.
Now, diary, I learned from spending a weekend with my cousin in NJ something I knew from being with my friends who are not sports fans, I need a lady who has some idea what's going on in the world of sports or is willing to learn and embrace sports. I love it too much and as much as I know that sports is not everything and maybe in my life my passion for sports nd spacificly baseball may die down a little, I just can not do with out it.

Another thing I can not do without is sex. I know I know, typicle guy but there has to be girls out there who enjoy sex beyond the first month of marriage. My married friends, all of them, have told me once they got married, the sex slowly got pushed aside. I dont want that. I want sex to be a part of my life. I'm not asking for sex 3 times a day every day. A few times a weeks would be fine after marriage.

Lastly is a description of my ideal woman. I put this last for a reason. My ideal woman maybe totally opposite of what I dream up and it would not matter. I would love her and all her curves just the same. Haven said that, here we go:

A lady shorter than me. I'm short for a guy. I know. I like when a girl rests her head on my shoulder.
A lady who is between thin and have some curves. I want to be able to put my arms around the girl.
A lady with small to median size breast. maybe 34C.
A lady with long hair. mmm I love playing with long hair. It needs not be down to her ass but even a little past her shoulders would be nice.
Since it is just you and I diary, it would be nice if she shaves too.

In the end. I want a girl who will "Like me for me" (blessid union of souls) I want her to be my best friend, my soulmate, my traveling companion, my sports buddy, my lover and if fortunate, the mother of my child.

And then... I woke up.

I am feeling depressed. I am not sure what more I can do with my life. There are two girls who I am interested in but doubt either are interested in me. One of them I use to work with. Except for her not being Jewish, she fits the rest of my description... that I know of. We can chat about almost anything face to face. She never has a proble with just taking my hand (or rather, letting me take her arm) and just going. We have gone to sporting events, concerts, parties and she even invited me to her place and made me dinner one night. She tells me about the latest boy she's dating. I know she is not interested in me.

I just dont know where I can go to find a lady. It's not like I can sit at a bar, see a pretty lady wearing a redsox jacket, and I can send her a drink and a smile. I have been trying dating sites for 9 years now. I have tried so many different dating sites. I would hate to see how much money I waisted away for nothing.

I am lonely

I was reading through my old emails, ran across one I sent to my twin. It mentions how fortunate I am. I know that I am fortunately in a lot of ways. I have great family. I have some amazing friends and I have done things and gone places people only dream. I have been to bout 700 sporting events, 400+ of those being major league games covering 16 different stadiums, 120+ concerts, 16 of those are Bon Jovi and another 19 of them being blessid union of souls. I have traveled and been to most of the east coast from Miami to Montreal. I have also been to Chicago, detroit and sunny san diego. I would hate myself if I didnt mention, I saw my hero, Nolan Ryan, get inducted into baseball's hall of fame in 1999 with my twin. It was the same weekend as woodstock and the stars defanately alined for me on that weekend.

This month I am going to NJ to see Bon Jovi open up the new Giant's stadium. That is going to be amazing.
I am also going to Canton Ohio in August to see my football favorite player of all time, Gerry rice, get inducted into football's hall of fame. that is going to be unbelievable.

But these are just a week of fun compared to months and months of frustration when it comes to trying to find a job and my sports disney princess.

I am going over my twin's house this evening to watch sports and he can set my computer up. My new computer has been sitting in my living room waiting for one of my brothers to set it up.
Tonight the Celtics and the bruins are both playing playoff games while the redsox are playing the yankees.

I am not sure what more I can bitch about so I will stop here.
Thank you diary for being here for me to express my thoughts and show my frustrations and emotions.