two years ago from today my coworker, Stephanie Moulton, was murdered by a client, in the house we worked at and the house which I still work at.
I remember all the details, I remember everything.
Unfortunately, except for the people who have been through this with me, my coworkers and my clients, only we understand how I feel.
There are people who say I should be over this. People say it's not healthy to relive the thoughts. To have all these painful, feelings and other negative thoughts and feelings.
to that I would say (if I was that type of person but I'm not) FUCK YOU! YOU DONT KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN MY SHOES AND I PRAY YOU NEVER WILL BE!
I have a close friend who tells me I need to get out of this field. He says
"Get out of mental health it's a racket and your risking your life. Not worth it."
"Well the people that care about you aren't lying to you the people who are exploiting you will. I told joe I will tell you those people are wolves."
"I'm not trying to bust your chops but when danger is a choice don't choose danger."
The people I work with are very caring and thoughtful people. They have a mental health issue, yes but they are not killers. I refuse to let one tragic situation run my life. I feel like I am doing something positive everytime I go to work. I switched my day this past week from Tuesday to Wednesday to help out the health-wellness lady, who had to cancel, but when I came to work on Wednesday, my clients wanted to know why I was not at work the day before. Even the woman who shows no emotions and could careless if you have emotions, even she said that she missed me. *sigh*
When this tragic insident happened, the house was emptied for a month so we could all deal with the situation and the police could do their job. The clients all were moved to other houses within the company and we had the choice to work at other houses. I just took the few weeks off. When it came time to go back to the house, my coworkers chose to work at other houses for a few more weeks. I wanted to be there for my clients. I know they needed me. They needed a ffamilliar face to be there. I dont blame my coworkers for not being ready to return. However, I went to work. I went to be there for my clients. I could not let them go and be with relief staff the entire time. A client walked up to me almost as soon as I walked up stairs, and gave me a hug and said "I am happy to see you" I was happy to see him too. I am here for them. I am here to help out.
This should not be a day that I have to explain why I am in this field.
This should not be a day where I should just "get over" this tragic event.
However, this is a day for me to both grieve for my loss of my coworker and feel all these feelings that I will no doubt be feeling and have all these thoughts that I will no doubt have.
.
Someone in the last few days has ben very supportive of me and has been there when ever I need.
Karen understands as much as someone can without being in the specific situation. She works in a group home, just like I do and she personally knows people who suffer from mental illness. She gets shit from her extended family everytime she sees them, for her being in this field. So she knows, she understands. She has texted me a few extra times the last few days with either *hug* or *hug* thinking of you or *hug* hope yur doing ok.
Karen is amazing. I love her.
I wrote to my boss on Friday morning.
Hey, I am sorry to bother you. I just needed to write to someone who would understand, as you told me last year, it's as if we are in college and the rest of the world is still in highschool.
Conciously, I have been counting the days, consciously I was "ok".
Then my mom sent me an article from some news paper, (not sure if you saw it or want to read it) that NSCC set up a scholarship in SM's name. I read the first paragraph of the article and about the second line of the second paragraph, the tears were flowing and I just closed the window. The tears are still painful
I'm going to try to distract my thoughts on Sunday with football, but I know that I'll still be thinking. Hopefully I'll find someone to watch the game with so my thoughts are not consumed.
I do know that I will be ok, I just have to get through the next few days.
Thank you for reading this I appreciate it thank you for you being...you.
I am sorry if this had put thoughts-tears where they have not been for you.
I hope you are feeling a little better too.
Work went well yesterday. (if you didn’t read the emails yet) AA took AK to a dentis apt and I ran the house meeting with running a HR training-group.
Jonathan
*my boss's response*
Of course they were already there. Of course I have been subconsciously counting down the days, with each day growing a little heavier.
I of course feel as many don't and will never understand, and always think people think I should be passed it by now.. Jonathan, no matter what- this was a tragic day marked in the books forever. The reason for the scholarships and gatherings is a reminder of how big the day and her, herself was. Nobody will understand but us and that's why I encourage these emails and your thoughts. It's a healthy way to handle and deal with this out of a movie events..
I will always b an ear!! I will always take the time to remind you I know exactly how your feeling and together, we will get thru- just like we have
Don't hesitate to reach out! Ill see u Tuesday as I hardly have been in, but am finely feeling better.. Well now I guess sad, but sick wise I'm getting better..
My memories of you
01-20-2013
In memory of Stephanie
It has been two years now, since that tragic day
A day where a coworker and friend was taken away
You were taken too soon, too young
25 years, “only the good die young” like Billy Joel sung.
There are scholarships and gathering in your memory and honor
It’s still painful and sore
You would be happy to know that things are being done to protects other’s safety
We still miss you, and everything you could be
You never let much bother you
You were carefree and always knew what to do
I will never forget you
For the short time I knew you
You had aspirations
You had expectations
You wanted to be a nurse
You would have been a good one, of course
People have described you as beautiful
And full of life
You were always thoughtful and caring
You were always baking and sharing
Somewhere in heaven, you are smiling down
You would be disappointed, seeing us with this frown
You would want us to smile too
I will try to smile, for you
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