I feel so bla today.
so empty, so lost, so alone.
I try and try and all I get back to is where I am.
I am not happy. I am not satisfied.
I lay around all day on my computer bouncing from listening to music, looking up sports, somehow expecting the headlines of the day will change from the last time I checked it, checking email, like I get 100 a day but more like 5, of that 3 are junk mail, and looking at job sites, see if a new counseling position was posted. After combing through the residencial and out reach positions that I am over qualified and unable to do anyways, I find a few drug-alcohol position that I dont do, and a few director of a center, I may find a job I can do, clicking it on, only to find you need a fucking driving license for the position, infrustration, sharply hitting the back key to skim down more jobs.
I eat according to the time. If I didnt, I'd probably never eat. Same thing with taking a shower. What's the point if I'm not leaving the four walls of my room unless I eat or shower?
Time is passing. there goes another second and another and before I know it, I just waisted an hour...or a day.
I actually felt important for a minute yesterday.
A former coworker emailed me, she wrote:
"I am writing because I have a few questions for you that may help one of our clients. We have a supported housing client who has been progressively losing his sight and we want to provide him with some resources that can help him live safely on his own. My question for you is do you know of any special equipment as far as phones and other household items specially designed for the blind? He lives on his own and we want to make sure he is safe and hooked up with tools that may help him live successfully. Please get back to me as soon as you get a chance."
I wrote back, told her about 5 or so things they should look into for him.
She wrote me back later on, thanking me for all the information.
I also got a response from my boss reguarding a client that was not feeling well mentally on Tuesday when I was working and just wanted to know what the emergency team ended up doing. At the end of the email she wrote:
"I am really looking forward to have you do one on ones with each client. Im happy to know that the clients are getting useful and helpful info that will help them live independently in the future. They are learning skills and that makes me happy... So thank You again!!!"
However, I only work 4 hours a week. I kid with people, saying that it pays for my cell phone and a box of cookies.I want a full time job or at least, 20 hours a week.
When I was in school plus doing my internships, I barely had time to sleep. Especially during the baseball season.
Now? I can listen to 4 games a day laying on my bed doing nothing.
I do not like it.
I think about my former coworkers and how much I miss them all. How much fun we had and how important I felt having to run 3 groups a day with indevisual clients talking to me during my lunch break or if there was a crisis. I was always so positive every day. Even when I talked to my then boss about the place closing and that I would be losing my job, I was positive about it. I told her that I have been here for 4 years and if this place didnt close, I'd still be here in in 4 more years doing the same thing. So this gives me the opritunity to move on.
However, I do not have the positivity right now. In the last 2.5 months, I spent hours every day, looking for jobs with no success. I try and try to find some positivity, but none can be found.
It does not help that I am not advancing my career and do to the people currently above me, I have no chance and it is only pushing back the time where I can be a licensed therapist.
What I mean is, in order for me to be a licensed therapist, I need clinicle supervission from a licensed therapist. I need 3380 hours. Currently I have 0. and with the job I have that number wont move. So in a few months, I still will be where I am in my career.
The economy is gray and turning darker every day.
I know that in the big picture of life, I will be ok but for now, I am not ok.
"do you have the time, to listen to me whine"
"I want, something else, to get me through this, life"
"These days, the stars seem out of reach"
"Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through"
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