#9 - That felt good

Today is my one year single anniversary. I have been mean all day. I keep saying mean hateful things about people, I just can't help myself. And I don't feel better when I do it. It makes me feel very anxious. We were talking about Helen and I just got so angry. My heart started to race. And then I brought up something that I shouldn't have and I think it killed the mood. Helen used to wonder how I could mess with someone and have no feelings towards them. It's simple - I have no intentions of being their's. I don't want to be their girlfriend, I don't want to feel anything more than lust for them. That is the type of relationship that I have. This is why I can be with someone for a year almost - Singer and I will have our own one year fucking anniversary and I'm pretty excited about it. Sometimes I wish that I was able to do certain things with Singer, like go get yogurt. Sometimes I wish that he could hang out longer, sometimes I wish that he would lay with me and hold me. But at the end of the day I don't care. The thing is, I think about the fact that it would be nice but I don't get upset when it doesn't happen because I know that it won't happen. Things with Singer will never go farther than they are right now. I see what he does to his girlfriend, how he lies to her, how he comes over here and fucks me like ... like she doesn't exist. I mean ... and whatever. Right Now I feel a little bad. I mean, I've been that girlfriend and it broke me down. But at the same time, Singer would cheat on her with or without me so why shouldn't I benefit from it. I mean fuck it. Sounds good to me. I didn't know about her when I first started sleeping with him. It wasn't until later that I found out about her but by then I was hooked. The sex that Singer and I have is special. When I am with him I am confident, I feel good about myself and I show him exactly what I'm working with and he gives me the same in return and before you know it, its an hour + of pleasure. And I'm sorry if that's too much but that's just how it is with us and I'm sorry that your man is cheating on you but the sex is just so damn good I can not stand it. And yes, I am a bitch and yes, I do feel bad about it ... I mean why wouldn't I be? It sucks to know that you just weren't enough for him. To feel like everything you ever did was for nothing because he already knew that you were a dime a dozen and he treated you like it. You suddenly feel like everything you've tried to become was the wrong thing. I was the wrong thing. I was too nice. I was asking for it. I was asking for him to cheat on me. I gave him so much freedom because silly me thought that he would see that I really do just love him and want him to have a good time so he would feel as if he could never touch another woman but I got the one that found his golden ticket. Fuck him and fuck that feeling. All that insecurity. I hate that shit. I feel so much better about myself now. And whatever, I am a slut and a bad person but I own the shit. And I don't mean that I am a bad person, I am a good person in most aspects of the word but there are some where the shit gets cloudy. Whatever. I didn't know that he had a girlfriend when I first fucked him and the sex was so good that I had to keep getting it and I was addicted by the time I found out about her and I know that's fucked up but it's life. I just ... I feel so confused and so unsure. I want all of these different things and it's not because of some fear to commit. It's because I'm really afraid to get hurt again. I won't survive it. I'm barely making it now. But everyone constantly writes it off because of how wrong he did me and I get that but it doesn't change the fact that I love him, it doesn't change the fact that I miss him so fucking bad. I think about him telling someone else he loves them just ... UGH ... I want to cry thinking about it to be honest so I try not to because I don't want to be with him again. He will hurt me. End of the story. I kind of think that one day he and I will be together again but right now it just wouldn't work because I just, I can't open myself up to the possibility to be hurt again. Today like a fuck tard all in my feelings and shit told him something ... It's not that we aren't meant to be together, I think we're just not ready for forever And he said nothing back. And it pissed me off. Like you know that you love me too ... or do you love me? Did you ever love me? Of course you loved me but why the fuck did you have to hurt me the way you did. You keep blaming those two bitches but what you really need to do is blame yourself because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants. And you claim to miss this pussy and love this pussy, then why did you go looking for other pussy. If my pussy was so good to you then why the fuck wasn't it enough for you. And if I wasn't enough for you then, I won't be enough for you now. And let's face it, right now, you're not enough for me. And its not because I don't love you because I do love you but for the first time in a long time I love myself more than I love you so forgive me for being selfish. Oh I feel so much better now!