i am depressed again today. no surprise there. its my mother again. she took a necklace i hold very dear to my heart when matthew and i were in missouri (i'd forgotten to put it on in the chaos of the day when we left) and now she won't give it back. she keeps saying that she doesn't have it, that my grandma has it. well i asked my grandma and she never got it. someone is lying to me again. its pissing me off and depressing me all at the same time. my dad bought me that necklace. that thing is 20years old at least. it's just a little gold heart on a little gold chain. nothing big or fancy or really all that expensive. but it has sentimental value to me. it's priceless. and for people to lie to me about it, well that's a wholenew low for anyone. my entire family and my husband and friends all know how much that necklace means to me. i don't care if she plays with money. i don't care about money. she can play with some of my other things. but that necklace is one thing NO ONE should have touched. ESPECIALLY without my knowledge when i wasn't even here for it. part of me still kinda loves her cuz she's my mom, ya know? but then there is a part of me that can't stand what she's doing now. she's still manipulating people like she used to do. still using people. i just can't believe i was stupid enough to hope she had actually meant it when she told me she had changed. i guess i am just opening myself up to be let down again and again by hoping that she could really change. that she could be the mom i was glad to have so many years ago. that she could be the person she was before she met the idiot she is with now. idk i just.......i don't know.
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guess i get to go back to bottling everything up like i was before. i don't want to keep telling matthew about this stuff. he doesn't really understand. he tries, which i love, but he just doesn't understand how much it hurts to be going through this because of someone who used to mean the world to me. we used to be so close, her and i. i guess that's why it hurts so much now. because i know what it was like having her a different way. oh well. i'll try to keep it all inside or just let it out here from now on. there is really no point in doing anything else. nothing good ever comes of it. it's always sarcasm, attitudes, and arguments when i bring anything up. i guess i'll just bear it with a smile. i just hope we are out of this condemned place before matthew and i start having kids. all this stress could NOT be good for a baby.
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"does anybody hear her" by casting crowns is a great song btw.
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huh. its raining outside. grey and cloudy. funny how the weather can reflect my true feelings so well. |
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