its nights like this that i wish i could talk to my mom still. that i wish she hadn't turned her back on me and chose to stay with the abuser i tried to protect her from. kinda got it backwards i know but i always felt like it was my duty to protect her. right up until the day she turned against me. sure i'm 22yrs old, but it still hurts, ya know? not being able to talk to the one person i used to be unbelievably close to. just a few weeks ago she told my grandma (her own mom) that she wanted nothing more to do with my fiance or me. she wouldn't even call me by name. she just kept referring to me as that bitch. her own daughter. her flesh and blood that she raised practically on her own since 1993 when my dad died. i try not to let it get to me, but it does. the fact that she has done what she has after everything i've tried to do to help her get out of the relationship she says is over. it still bothers me that neither of my parents will participate my wedding. six years ago, i still believed that my mother would give me away. now i know that not to be true. idk it just.......it kinda gets to me. i'm a very emotional creature so stuff like that gets under my skin a lot. some people would say "you're 22. you're an adult. grow up and get the hell over it." well if you are one of those people you can get off my page right now. i'm writing this for me, not for you. writing helps me sometimes. yeah, i am 22. i am an adult. but everyone deserves to have some kind of attachment to a parental figure of some kind. whether it be a foster parent, an actual parent, a family member who's been like a parent, or a friend's mom or dad, it doesn't matter. everyone deserves at least that much. my aunt has been more of a mom to me than my own mother. and now i'm talking to my dad's sister again and i'm getting to know her, and even she treats me better than my own mother does. smh it makes me sick and depressed all at the same time. sometimes i wish i could just talk to my dad again. ask him what i can do. ask him where to go. be his little girl again. but i can't and i know that. but my mind still wanders. a lot... i almost broke down at work tonite because of my mind. it sucks. i just......i don't know........... |
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