so my husband decided to tell me tonite what he wants to do in the army. the thing is, it has a 90%wash-out rate, and if he does end up failing, he is automatically placed in the infantry. see, there is just one problem with that. we were trying to figure out something that would NOT result in him going into the infantry. what with us trying to stand on our own and get a car and everything, him going into the infantry would be kinda counter productive. plus, i don't want him to leave me yet...... you see, i am a very selfish creature when it comes to my husband. i want him to be safe at home with me but i don't want him to despise me for it.
i understand how badly he wants this. hes fought it for four years. it just keeps coming back. i try to be supportive of him and act like i am happy for him (i am really, i just don't want him to leave) but it gets harder everyday to smile again whenever we talk about this. i just....i don't want him to go knowing if he goes into the infantry there is a chance he could come back in a box. i don't think i could handle that. hell, i can barely handle the thought of it. whenever i think about him going into the army and what he wants to do i feel like i am about to break down and cry. like right now for instance. i wanna cry so badly and by the end of this entry i bet i do. i am almost at my breaking point and i can feel it. eventually my facade is going to crack and break and the splinters of my shattered mask will lay in shambles around my knees. right now i am so glad i am home alone. so no one can see what a wreck i have become. how weak i am. ya know, four years ago, this kinda thing would never have fazed me one bit. i would still be strong, bottling up all my emotions, keeping a level head. but now? now i am a very emotional thing who lets everything else get the best of my mind. i let my mind wander now. i used to have quite a tight reign on stuff like that. i could say i was strong and actually have people believe me.
i guess right now i just really want someone to hold me, letting me cry on their shoulder without saying anything about it. maybe thats what i need. to break down and cry. to not be so damn strong all the time. to let all my cracks be revealed.......to be weak........God knows i've been trying not to for so damn long. dammit i'm crying again! this whole thing sucks........
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sorry about the depressing entry again, but i need to just talk. i don't care who is listening, or if anyone is even reading this. i just needed to let something out before i blow my stack because i am unbelievably close to snapping completely......
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