Shadows Of Fantasia........
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

Rape........

07/30/2009

I have to talk just a little bit. I'm sorry. I watched that video for Frozen by within temptation and it just brought up oh so very many memories for me that I cant handle by myself but I have nobody to talk to about it, and, the one person that I need so desperately won't talk to me so what else can I do but write here?

From age 5-11 I was raped by someone who my fucking supposed adopted mother trusted. Then when I finally told her years and years later she said 'yeah i kinda thought so'. THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT YOU BITCH??

Then numerous times up until age 20, it happened again, always different men, always different circumstances but it still happened all the same. Never stopped.

My adopted parents abused me.

And, then I got a job where I was paid to let people hurt me. SO much. I guess, now I'm at the point where I'm sensitive, and yet..I feel that's what I deserve. To be abused. To be hurt.

Every girl that I have ever loved except one has hit me, abused me, hurt me etc etc. I can't do this anymore.

I just can't survive.

I'm stuck in a viscious cycle of pain and despair and I just cannot get out.

And, the one person who made me think that I was something better than this, that I was worth everything, that I was her air..She's left me all alone after promising not to.

This always happens. I have such a hard time giving myself completly to her and trusting her and then when I did..She left. She's gone..

And, I have no reason to exist. Because, I'm dead inside. There is nothing left but the hurt. There is nothing left but the pain. Nothing but the torturous memories that will fade with time and leave me alone in my sorrow. My anguish. My death. My hell.

Don't try and tell me to live for myself and that I still have so much time left.

I dont.

I'm dying. I have cancer. I have cardiomyopathy. I'm dying. I don't want to hear lies. I just wrote this for myself because it's better than screaming or worse.

Goodbye, love. Goodbye happiness. I'm destined for hell and pain in this world and the next. For I've never known anything else. It just never stops.

I don't know why I've held on like this for oh so very long. I know..I've known that all I have to do is..Let go..And, I can leave this world. I don't have to kill myself. I don't have to let this cancer and heart condition take my life..I can just let go..And, I'll slip away..

I have no reason, anymore.

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i am at lost for words...i have no reason to complain after reading this...it brought tears to my eyes.

i wish there was someway to wipe the pain away but i cant..and you know that. i know you dont me and i dont know you...but if you ever wanted someone to talk to i am here. it might not seem like much and i am here.

i dont know wether you believe in Jesus or any kind of religion but let me tell you no matter what happens...you can be saved...there is something after this life much better than what you suffer here. i am sorry if this offends you. but i am here if you need someone to talk too.*major hugs*

[bratpunkyg02 Star

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I'm new to Bloop and I've been hitting the random button and I keep getting the same profiles over again. I never find anyone who writes interesting journals, not that they're boring... they're just not my sort o' thing.

I read yours, and I read the title of this entry, and it just kind of... hit me.

I know what it's like to be raped, and to be abused then after from the people who you should have trusted, and to know that those who were there "to protect" did nothing close to that.

I'm not going to tell you that everything is going to magically get better, because I damn sure know it won't. It's going to take time, it's going to take patience (from yourself and others who may be in your life), and it's going to take a lot, and a lot of effort on your part. You've made it this far, and even if you feel you're weak, in all reality you're much stronger than you would have been or you'd be gone by now.

I wonder why I'm here, even moreso now that I've lost the person who I loved more than anything, and even if I know it wasn't me to blame... a part of me still feels that I'm the one who should received the punishment for having a failed relationship. That's just not the way to live your life, but that's always easier said than done.

If you ever need a friend, even though just a long-distance friend, you're welcome to comment me or anything whenever you'd like.

I send you hugs and more hugs.

Take care of yourself, the best you can, sweetheart.

[ExtraordinaryMachine|0 likes] [|reply]

I stumbled upon your entry by accident and I have to say that I completely relate. I have been hurt both physically and mentally by lovers (men in my case). The first boyfriend I ever had raped me while I was passed out drunk and threatened to kill me while pointing a gun at me when I asked him why he did that. It took me almost a year, but I got away from him. Then he began to stalk me and harass me by coming to my work and calling me with threats. I got so afraid and ashamed because I felt like I let it happen to me, that I tried to kill myself, by taking pills and something incredible happened, I didn't die. I should've died is what the doctors said, but I didn't. I'm not sure I believe in miracles and as far as religion I think there's something out there, but I'm not too specific on what, but I'm here for a reason and so are you. We are survivors and even though what happened to me doesn't even compare to how you were mistreated by people you trust I know that I deserve better and so do you. My heart goes out to you. I still have dark days where I wonder what it was all for, but I have faith in myself above all else.

I hope that you find inside yourself what you need to keep going. I don't know you, but I wish you all the love and happiness.

[meme.surveys|0 likes] [|reply]

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