There are times like now that I just do not see the point of caring on an acting like nothing bothers me. It's been a rough few days for me. My good friend from high school, Craig passed away early Saturday morning losing his fight to terminal leukemia. He really was more to me than I let on and even though we lived a 1000 miles apart that didn't stop our friendship. He was such a rock to me and it's hard to imagine this life without him. He loved life to the fullest and was always smiling no matter how bad things may have seemed. I spent all day Saturday and today with Dave and it didn't hit me that Craig was really gone until late last night. Dave comforted me that there's just something about being upset or trying to tell Dave how I feel that it just doesn't work.
I feel like it can never really be about me for that long. Sure he comforted me for half an hour to an hour about Craig but it just doesn't feel right. And I know that I love Dave up the but not being able to talk to him and really opening up without the fear of him taking it personally and yelling at me has me afraid.
Maybe it's just because I am upset about losing one of my close friends but I don't think that's the case. Two times prior I have tried to open up and let Dave in and both times he has taken something I say personally and starts yelling at me and hanging the phone up on me. It's not that I don't forgive him because I do but these two past experiences have made me afraid to tell him important things. Prior to dating him this time around, I was with Charles who not only physically hurt me but also emotionally hurt me and I know that's not the Dave's problem but anytime that Dave starts yelling at me over something that isn't even my fault it takes me back to those six and half years of hell. And it's not like I'm yelling at him, so what gives him the right to take out his bad days on me. The first time it happened with Dave two weeks ago. I forgave him quickly without any questions asked. Then on Friday it happened again. He actually upset me so much that I had to leave work because I was shaking beyond belief. I saw him half an hour later and naturally he apologized and I did say that I forgave him which I do. But that doesn't stop the fear of not being able to open up to him honestly without him losing it on me.
I have talked to several people about this and they all have told me to talk to him about this. But how do you tell someone more than life that you are afraid of them and can not talk to them without the fear of them losing it on you. I'm so lost here on what to do or what to say to make this better. I am just so lost and I know that if I don't figure this out soon and talk to Dave about this that I will lose everything that I have with him and that's just a road I do not want to go down.
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