this is the moment

05/03/2009

this is it

its incredible, its amazing, how much one person can grow & change within such little time. i've only been back at albany for three weeks and i feel like a completely different person than the person i was over spring break.

i have grown a lot. i have realized what truly matters in life.
you have to have fun. you have to take time out of your days and nights to bond with those that need bonding. you have to get out and socialize. you have to call your beloved mother multiple times a day, every time you even think of her, just so she knows how much you really love her. you have to be a lot more mature for a long distance relationship than anything else. you have to get over the "but i always text you first" the "we haven't talked in 5 hours" and realize that you two are in love with each other and nothing is going to change that. you both can have fun in seperate places and share stories once you are back in each others arms. you have to do your all to keep the everyday hellos, everyday hellos with the people on campus. you never want it to become awkward and look away from them; you have to know as many people as possible because those extra hellos on the way to class make that much of a difference in the rest of your day. you have to sit and eat with people you'd never sit with alone, even if its a guy and it seems like you'd have a "crush" on them in highschool if you sat with them, cause no one likes to eat alone. you have to introduce yourself to people at parties and reallllly try hard to remember their names; theres no use to talk to someone if youre not going to remember them. you have to take pictures too so you never forget how magical these nights were. you have to get involved in school so you feel usefull. you have to study and make yourself confident at every exam. you have to develop relationships with each and every professor because it makes class that less msierable, makes your grades a little better, and all of that wonderful stuff.

i am the happiest i have been in such a long time. im really glad ive recovered my relationship with brit. i never realized how much i missed her until i had her back. i will never take her for granted again. i got stupid when i first went away to college, we all do. yeah i'd call her once a week but thats not enough for us. we are so much closer than that. i love her i love yous every night, i love it when she tells me to have sweet dreams when im laying my head down to go to sleep, i love it when she tells me things about my family that i really DO miss while im away, i love it when she calls me to make me laugh, i love it when she actually listens to my college stories without trying to pry into anything, i love her to death.

then theres sarah who always makes me happy. everytime i meet someone amazing at albany i think, "sarah would love them and they would love sarah. if i had a car i'd go and get her now" but i cant :[ and i dont have a car :[ i just wish i could share more with her, but theres never enough time to do so.

i am going to miss so many people when i leave albany. parker is helping me move out on may 14th and i KNOW hes going to make fun of me when i cry. i didn't cry when my parents left me when i wasn't even finished unpacking in august... nope. i didn't cry when i realized that was the last time i'd see megan or sarah for a really long time... nope. i cried a little when i drove away from brits house, but little did i know that wasnt our last goodbye. oh my god, i love her so much. i cried when michelle cried and parker teased me and said someone should call the wahhhhmbulance. i didn't cry when i said bye to em, i didn't even cry when parker showed concern about college boys and i. hah, little do they know that i didn't even peck a boy in college; nothing. i really have no interest in the men up here. i give so many guys such a hard time and im even more tough once ive been drinking. some poor men have been embrassed at me while i yell NO I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU by the keg. sorry, but its true.

no one should ever worry about my intentions or men's intentions with me; cause im smarter than that.

ive learned so much about people being here. so much. everyone is so unique, everyone has been through so much.

____ was best friends with her father her entire life. he slowly died from lung cancer and ___ had to feed him, change his diapers, everything at 15. he eventually died and her mother started treating her like shit compared to her other two sisters because ___ reminded her so much of her father and she resents him for dying. 2 months later ___'s best friend, childhood brother, was shot in the head by his own father. a moth after that her best friend who was just getting over anorexia with her died in a car crash. ____ has been through so much, i cry for her so much, but she never shows a tear. i wish i could be that strong. i am going to miss her talks.

____ had a mental breakdown after all his friends continued to use him as the butt of hteir jokes. he got up and left for weeks and no one heard from him. he came back for an hour to just talk and tell everyone he just found out his father & uncle were bi polar, and he is too. also, hes been suffering over his father's death and hes destroyed his relationship with his mother, so he feels like he has no family, no friends. its sad. i wish i could do more to help.

_____ is always in and out of the hospital cause his lungs are always collapsing. he showed me all of his scars and told me how nervous this makes his mother. his mother is always sending him these crazy care packages; she seems awesome. sending him funyuns and a bubble gun for fountain day, hahaha. he really values me, protects me from other guys at parties when i really don't need him to, and tells me hes going to miss spending every single day with me. i will probably miss him more. im going to be thinking about him and his health all summer, im so nervous for him.

____ has also been through so much. ____ was sexually assaulted by a school janitor and once she finally told the police, her father turned against her and everyone at school was badmouthing her; calling her a liar. she hates sexuality and maybe college isn't the best place for her. she also suffered from anorexia since the age of 9 and has many body issues; once again college isn't the best atmosphere. she loves me so much too and is always calling me when im home. im going to visit her this summer, i cannot help myself. i love her so much :[

____ was rapped at 14 and still hasn't recovered from the emotional scars. shes clinically depressed but the most amazing person when you are havign a mental breakdown; seriously. she can rid you of all your problems and make you have the best time of your life, but she can't seem to do the same for herself and i can't seem to help her enough. i wish i could be a better friend to her. i am also going to miss her.

____ went through a downward spiral at a young age when her best friend slept with her 2 year boyfriend. many other things happened that i don't feel comfortable even typing in here, but she went to a lot of therapy. the same scenarios arose this semester and i stood up for her, made her stand up for herself, and we've grown closer and closer. she is one of the most amazing people i think i will ever meet in my life. im going to ball my eyes out...

so many people here have gone through so much and i feel like i have nothing to compare to. i feel lucky, thankful, that my family has protected me from these attrocities...

i cannot believe my first year of college is coming to an end. this is insane. i don't want to be called a sophomore. i want to stay in the freshmen psyche all life long.

i finally understand college. theres not that much to understand but it takes you awhile to get your head wrapped around it. your friends here are your family here. you sleep under the same roof, you eat together, you walk to classed together and text each other during these classes, you shop together, you grocery shop together, you go to parties together, you go to shows together, you exercise together, you will never have a stronger bond in your life than now with these people; until you get married. this is the closest thing to a family or a marriage that i can think of. and its sad that some of these people probably wont stay in touch for the years to come after graduation cause i can't imagine one day, on campus, without these people... how will i survive months? even WEEKS?

i always say college is just summer camp for adults (but its not during the summer...), but its much more than that. you have all of your independence, your responsibilities, everything. its so much fun and nothing will ever shape me more into who i am.