every time i sink back into one of these funks, there is always this one thing that burns me and hurts me and is the root for alot of my pain that i cannot fix. i was a 'miracle child'. (thats catholic for accident) and all i can think about is the fact that my parents werent wanting to make another child when i was conceived. when my sisters were conceived, i can imagine that my parents were dreaming about how the child they were making, how they were going to make a life for her, and make such beautiful children.. what if i was conceived during some bad 'lets just get it over with' sex.. or something. i dont know. ive done nothing but bring pain to so many people. i dont get why i can't just be like my sisters. i hvae two older sisters, and they are PERFECT. let me tell you.. the oldest one is married to this rich succesful man, she has perfect manners and is an utter socialite, everything about her is.. seriously perfect. her attitude, her mannerisms, her house her dogs her food her hair her voice her everything. her life. her. and my other sister is in her late twenties, has an amazing boyfriend, who has everything that i would look for in a man. he is sweet, strong, hot, doesn't fight, is hilarious.. and noble. manly. polite. and she is just the most chipper person EVER. she is always happy. and she always gets what she wants. shes going to nursing school and lives in a sunny place, and surfs, and shes always so positive. and not only are they both just the epidomy of 'female', but they look alike. they are ten years apart, but they practically look like twins. i look nothing like them.
none of this makes sense. probably because i am rambling about stupid shit and not even bothering to go back over and read it. i didnt even know i could get comments.. and i looked and saw all the comments from my last post.. oddly enough it made me feel really warm. maybe this online diary is a good idea? i can make friends? open my heart to you because i never have to actually see you.
and i dont know what to do. i hate talking about this shit. i hate being one of 'emotional' dipshits. i cant say this stuff out loud.
ive never even had a boyfriend. i dont know why guys aren't attracted to me. im fine looking, i think im emotinoally mature.. i dont know. i really dont.
everything is just.. fucked. and i dont know how to say it all. |
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