I don't really do much anymore. I am going to start looking for jobs. I know that I am going to alternative school, because I neeeeed an education. Hopefully, I can get a job. Go back to school. And maybe *maybe* go to college. Usually I am just helping around at home, my brother hangs out with me. My brother, Greg, used to just be a brother. I know I said this before, but we are best friends now. He will take me anywhere. He also wants me to start hanging out with him and his friends.
But sometime ago, I stopped liking people. I started getting shy. I started to tremble and shake when they would address me. I know longer was the happy, outgoing Kelsey. Now I am shy, reserved, and I really do not like being around people. It is something I avoid. I just don't.like.people.
So since this is a journal or diary for me to get my past out, I better get it out. Little bits at a time. I don't know if I can do this. It kind of makes me sad. I miss Micheal, I miss the old us. He was an amazing boyfriend.. sometimes. He had his moments. That is all I will ever miss. Everything else I wish that I could erase from my mind. I always wonder why I was SO FUCKING STUPID to have ever done any of this. Why??? My brother and dad LOVE me. But yet I screwed up so much and I made them hurt for two years. Two FUCKING years.  I wish I could have normal friends. Be a normal teenager. Go to normal dances, go to football games, why? Why did one stupid decision affect my WHOLE entire teenager years?
So when we left that night, we went about three hours away to his friends apartment. We live in the U.P. of Michigan, btw. His friend's name was John. We stayed there while Micheal got some money together. That couple of weeks was terrible. John and Micheal were never home. I sat on the couch, watching t.v. Sometimes I would clean up. Then Micheal would come home, telling me not to ask questions. That is what I always hated about him. He was always so confidental. I really never knew him. Where did you get the money, Micheal? I asked that all the time. He saved it up, he used me as he wanted. His stupid friend, would flirt with me while Micheal was not around. "How are you doing beautiful?" "Can we sneak a little quickie?" Yeah, it was bad. I am so glad that Micheal never ever left John and I alone in that stupid dingy old apartment. Finally, one night I woke up to Micheal. He said we had to leave now, pack up our stuff and go. I never knew why we left that night. John was gone, who knows where. I just grabbed my limited supplies and we left.
We ended up below the bridge. Staying with his cousin. Things from there went downhill. Micheal and I were fighting all the time. His cousin's house was party central. All I ever did was drink. Micheal would get mad because I was acting like a "slut". He slapped me, when I told him to fuck off. I ended up slapping him back, and he shoved me and I hit my head against the wall. I never was so hurt before in my life. My boyfriend, who told me he would always protect me, hit me? I remember crying after that, and he just told me to shut up and go to bed. I cried myself to sleep. And after that night I never looked at him with the same eyes I looked at him before. How could my boyfriend hit me?? I wanted to go home so bad at that point. But my dad would have hated me. He would have had me put in Juvie for running away.
Ahhh, I wish I would have went home back at that point. I am having so many memories now that I am purposely looking back. I could write a book out of this shit lol. I am sure it would get published.
I am so bored lately that I have nothing better to do. I am feeling a lot better, I run now! I am getting fit, it is weird that I am running :/
I will write more later, but it is getting awfully late and I jog at 6 in the morning. |
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Eh, just like you made the decision to go out for two years (and unfortunately run into trouble along the way as a byproduct of that), you can make a conscious decision to be that person you were before. And really, you don't have to be that same person-people change with every experience. You at least can look back and see where bad things were happening. And move away from that. So you're better off with just that step. The process will probably be slow, annoying, and tedious, but you can do it. I'd say give your brother's friends a chance. He trusts them enough to open up an opportunity for you to meet them, so they shouldn't be awful chaps. You don't have to spend every waking moment with them, but baby steps are cool.
Good for you.
