I've gotten tired. Tired of everything. Tired of the shit I have to go through, and what I know is just around the corner. I've put on that brave face, I've stood still and pretended that everything is all right and inside...I feel as though that wave of hopelessness is still over-whelming me.
I'm trying. I'm trying so bloody hard to find a new apartment. I've got no money coming in regularily (I do have money stocked in my bank, but I learnt all that time when I was unemployed that oh so quickly, you go through it). My manager's trying to help. He's trying to pull me in for extra days and is even recommending me to the other shops that are low on staff and keep needing other shops to send them people for certain days of the week. But that isn't enough. That doesn't tide me over. Barely tides me over.
So I did all that was left to me. I went to my parents, asked them to start up a loan system that would help me have an extra few hundred a month in order to be able to get an apartment, pay the rent and still manage to live. They're being kind enough to do it. We're in the process of arranging all of this. I'm doing everything I can to make it so that I can move out and help my parents rent out the family home to get some kind of extra income.
But it makes me feel like I am a failure. That I'm twenty-six years old, and not only did I have to spend the last two years on reduced rent (due to the fact that I had to go Part-Time at work due to having mental difficulties and once I recovered have spent the entire time trying to return to Full-Time status only to be refused due to first -needing to be re-trained- [bull-shit], company having staffing difficulties [too many staff and not enough hours] and now all these Full-Timers taking up all the hours we have been granted) but now I can't even move out.
Too many of these apartments are expensive. Over the seven-hundred mark just for a semi-decent one-bedroom apartment somewhere within Dublin. And to do that, would mean I'd have to borrow heavily from the parents. They say that they are willing to help me out, but asking for that much? It's too much. It feels as though I'm leaning too heavily on them.
Makes me feel even more of a failure.
I'll keep smiling.
I'll keep standing tall.
I'll keep pretending that everything is all right.
But inside...inside I can't help feeling as though there is very little going for me now.
Kya |
Loading...
