Every since Thursday, not this past but the one before my world as been kind of up-ended,
I suppose context goes first,
There is this girl, this very special girl Ruby i've written about her before but repition is warranted if for no other reason than it may help me organize my thoughts better.
we met over the summer and became good friends very quickly. Our friendship blossomed into a kind of warm glowing love that isn't sexual or romantic per se but is strong and i think for both of us comforting in a few ways.
but over the course of the summer we did make out once.....but after the fact she said she just wanted to be friends.
and.....i was ok with that, she left for Russia for school for a year in Sept so it wasn't like it made sense to pursue anything like a relationship at that point anyways.
And then last weekend happens.....
She was back in town for a visit, and i had no expectations from the weekend other than i'd have a grand old time with a wonderful friend whom i dearly love and who i love being around.
i got rather more than i bargained for.
Thursday she arrived, we hung out went for coffee and then went for sushi. After dinner we walked home, hand in hand as we do chatting and enjoying the night air.
we walked down to the waterfront and spent some time just listening to the water hugging and cuddling just *being* with each other in that beautiful and timeless moment.
I know that she was sort of lost....i'm not sure i can describe it rightly but i think it was like she felt the world spinning under her feet and she could barely hold on.
-she was feeling a bit out of sorts because of the 'culture shock' from Russia to Baltimore to Ottawa, and she commented more than once that being back in O-town was surreal.
And i know she was disappointed by her (sort-of) boyfriends seeming lack of enthusiasm about her being back in town his seeming lack of desire to see and/or spend time with her.
but i was there, so she held onto me.
And, i'm her friend i love her and i was and am glad that i was there for her.
but then things got complicated.
She kissed me.
let me phrase that so it's totally clear.
She kissed *me.* It was conceived and executed solely by her, though to be sure i didn't object.
in fact.........i had had a strong desire to kiss her, it felt like it *should* happen, that it would be *the right moment.* But i held myself back, i wanted to be her 'safe-place' and i wanted her to feel safe with me, and i felt that by kissing her i might have betrayed that, and so i erred on the side of caution. I also knew she was feeling a bit burned by her 'boyfriend' and i didn't want to 'move in' while she was vulnerable.
I'm going to fast-forward through most of the rest of the weekend, because it consists of not much substance, we hung out more, talked about this and that and danced around the issue of a 'relationship' or not or what to do or not etc etc etc
Finally i decided to confront the issue head-on in what i would call a 'bold and dramatic gesture' by deciding at 10:30 at night that i had to talk to her and texted her saying i was on my way to see her, could we talk for a few minutes?
so, she met me and we talked.
She told me that her kiss was 'of the moment' and that she really doesn't want to date men anymore. And that she doesn't want to unnecessarily complicate or endanger our friendship with means a great deal to the both of us.
Well, i'm glad she's got it figured out!
because i just don't.
I am someone who you could consider 'hair-trigger' emotionally, so this situation has me a bit turned around.
Part of that i know is that i tend to get tunnel-visioned when it comes to things romantic....i tend to think 'this is the person i want' regardless of whether it's necessarily the right call. So i know right now i may be focused on her and i'm finding it hard to think of anyone else.....
and truthfully, to be totally 100% honest, i'm not even exactly sure how i do feel about her.
Oh, don't get me wrong i love her and consider one of the best friends i'll ever have.
but beyond that.....
there are times when i feel like i'm madly in love with her and want so badly to be with her, other times......*shrug* don't care.
i am just emotionally tangled where she's concerned at the moment.
the one clear thing though that stands out is that: i love her dearly as a friend and that friendship is precious to me.
good night and good luck. |
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