.o2o. He is jealous for me. | 08/02/2009 |
 Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. normal. bold. underline. italics. strike-through.
So you remember that garden I was talking about earlier? I'm praising God for it every day. I was driving home from church today thinking about how much my life has changed with just the removal of those 2 people. & I am so thankful.
They both recently deleted me off of facebook, which I find absolutely hilarious. We just can't share a state of mutual dislike unless it's facebook official I guess.
Every single day I am shown the level of immaturity these 2 women have, & it makes me happier & happier every single day that I do not have their examples in my life anymore.
What makes me sad is that they are now both sinking. One leading the way, because she thinks this is what she wants, & the other following blindly, because she is so easily enveloped in the lives of those around her.
Hopefully one day, these girls will realize that they are poinsoning each other.
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.
We did get the house with Felicia, Brian, Emily & Nichole. We also have a friend Adrian, whom we lovingly call "Bear" staying with us until he can get back on his feet. He sleeps in a closet under the stairs... lol. (His choice, not ours.) So of course, I've started calling him Harry Potter. I know what you're thinking, a married couple living with 5 other people? But it's the best idea we've ever had. SO much fun. 
& I realize just how beautiful You are & how great Your affections are for me.
Onto the hard stuff...
I started really facing my demons a few weeks ago. I started writing out all my memories from my childhood & it's amazing what tapping into my brain has brought up. Just to catch you all up on a few of the things i've gone through in my lifetime...
- My parents divorced before I was 2, my dad cheated on my mom & then pretty much disappeared for about 8 years.
- The man my mom remarried was horribly abusive. He was addicted to alcohol, meth, coke, heroin & pornography. I watched my stepdad use & withdraw over & over again. He & his son molested me starting from when I was 4 until I was 11. I was beaten within an inch of my life more than once. He tried to kill my mom 3 different times over the course of their marriage, 2 of which I witnessed.
- My mom & I had to escape from my stepdad while he was at work. She, my aunt & my grandma packed up all our stuff while I was at school.
- We lived with my grandma for 2 years while my mom saved money for us to buy our own place. My mom's way of healing from her marriage was to get drunk & beligerent, bring guys home, & scream at me. She also soon realized that she could hit. Unlike my stepdad using his fists, she used inanimate objects. My mom continued this until I was about 17.
- I started cutting myself & abusing Motrin from when I was 12 until I was 16. I liked Motrin because it made my whole body feel completely numb & wouldn't let me ache as much after cutting myself. Cutting felt like a rush for me. I liked the adrenaline & the constant shifting between the sting of the cuts & the blades & the complete & total shut-down of Motrin. (That may have freaked a few of you out, sorry.  )
- High school was actually lovely for me. Aside from my mother. I had a lot of distractions. I did choir, theatre & played golf. I was always doing something, so I could leave for school before my mom was ever awake, & get home after she was already asleep.
- After I graduated I got in touch with someone I went to elementary school with in my old town (where we lived with my stepdad). & we developed (what seemed like) a really solid friendship. He had made a few passes at me, I didn't really think a whole lot of it. Then one night he took things too far & he took advantage of me. I hid this for 2 years from absolutely everyone. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. He is the one person in the world I wish would rot in hell.
& oh, how He loves us so, Oh how He loves us, How He loves us all.
As you can see, I have a lot of healing to do...
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
We are His portion & He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
& my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
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